I’m having thoughts about self-harming right now. I want M right beside me so she can help me not do it.
But she’s not here. And she never will be.
…And I just self-harmed a bit.
I’m very upset. I don’t even know when was the last time I self-harmed. And to top it all off, it was because of the guy. I feel so useless, so pathetic. I used to think I was strong, but really I’m absolutely weak.
I spoke to the guy yesterday. I initiated conversation after a week of not hearing from him. It was mainly me just blabbing away. It was embarrassing.
I’m upset because I feel like such a fool when it comes to men. I feel like I scare them away. And I get desperate. I’m scared of ending up alone. I mean, I’m in my twenties and the only serious boyfriend I’ve had was an older married man. It makes me feel like some kind of a failure.
I don’t think the guy is all that interested in me. That’s also why I’m upset. My “love life” is rife with guys I’m interested in who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about me. And the sad part is, I don’t blame them. I have such a low self-esteem that I depend on a man to make me feel better. And it makes me feel pathetic.
Then along comes BPD to make matters worse. Abandonment issues and black and white thinking making things complicated.
I’m so weak. No wonder I self-harmed.