Boring day today at clinics. Every single patient was pregnant and all of them were there for pre-natal visits. Nothing interesting.
What is interesting is the dream I had last night. Please bear with me, it’s absolutely embarrassing to write this here, but it was a very enlightening dream.
I dreamed I was in a therapy session with M. It was a very informal session and we were sitting very close to one another. She was asking me questions and at one point I started crying. And then she gave me a hug to comfort me. I started telling her that the problem was that I always wished our relationship could be closer, more like mother and daughter, but that I knew that wasn’t possible because she was merely my doctor. And then she started giving me kisses, like a mother would to comfort a daughter, and saying that we could indeed be closer.
And that’s all I remember.
It’s really very embarrassing for me, and I don’t know if I should mention it to her. But it was a very important dream. First off, it happened right after I read her response to my last email, which left me feeling like I was talking to a wall. She wrote a very impersonal response that left me wishing for more and wondering whether I mean anything to her. It was also a very important dream because it proves to me that maybe, deep down, I’m wishing M was my mother, just like I used to do with different female figures in my life when I was younger. Maybe I’ve been in denial all this time, and I haven’t been able to overcome that after all.
I think the dream has a lot to do with the frustrations I’ve had recently with respect to my mom. What do you think?
Changing the subject…I had self-harming thoughts today for the first time in a while. I’m still very triggered. It’s all because I feel so alone here in this apartment. I haven’t seen the other students who are in the rotation in two days, and I’m starting to get very triggered. I also got very triggered today after seeing two patients who were noticeably thinner than I. I was jealous, and I was comparing myself to them.
*Sigh* There doesn’t seem to be an end to all of this.