Noise and triggers

I’m so tired. And I haven’t even begun working at the hospital.

I’m angry at myself for not updating more frequently this week. But I haven’t even been writing on my diary, that’s how tired I am at the end of the day. Every day it’s (boring) class from 8am to 4pm. Plus, I’ve been sleeping too lightly. But the show must go on.

You know what? I’m angry in general. I’m angry because I couldn’t care less about medical school at the moment. I’m hoping that once I start working at the hospital the change in routine and environment will help me feel a bit better. I’m tired of the whole “go to class, get home late, study” routine. I need change. But maybe I’m fooling myself? Heck, some doctors are notorious for treating students like crap. So, maybe it won’t do me good after all? Let’s see what happens next week.

I’ve realized this week that sleep deprivation and boredom make me have suicidal thoughts. [Trigger warning] This week has been fraught with fantasies about overdosing. The thoughts keep coming and I’m doing nothing to fight them. I told M about this in an email yesterday, but she hasn’t responded.

I think, after all, that going to the other city will do me good. I want to leave already. Right now my dad turned the TV on in the family room and it reminds me of how much this triggers me. I can feel the anger boiling and the noise in my head increasing. You see, the TV triggers me because it reminds me of those times when I was younger and my mom made me feel the TV was more important than I. Also, noise triggers me. After listening to my parents argue for so many years, I can’t stand noise, it drives me nuts. Only listening to the TV right now is making writing this post a thousand times harder.

Damn it, I’m really triggered now. Had to go to my room to shut the noise away.

I went out to dinner with my brother the other day. I ended up telling him all about my Ex. He was quite glad I trusted him with that. It ended up being the funniest conversation. Out of all things, I never would have thought we would end up laughing about that. Makes me wonder what other secrets are hidden deep within my family.

*Sigh* I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can barely write. I’m just so damn tired. I’m sorry about this post. I already have a draft for my next one so no worries.

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