So tomorrow I start my third year of medical school. It’s crazy how fast time passes, especially when you’re focusing on your mental health issues. I mean, second year started when I was in the process of recovering from my lowest of lows.
I will have a week of classes at my current city, and will then move to the other city the next week if I’m not mistaken. I already have an apartment, which I saw yesterday. It’s big and comfortable, and close to the beach (which is crazy, considering I will have SO much free time…all sarcasm intended).
But I’m crazy scared. Yesterday as I was looking at the apartment it dawned on me that I will be on my own. I don’t know why I’m so scared, since I’ve done internships before where I’ve been on my own. But for some reason, this time around I’m more scared than usual. At least there will be 5 other students from my class doing the same rotation.
Other than that, everything has been fine, honestly. No crises. I’m also back on 10mg Abilify, been on it for a week now. I told M about a slight increase in suicidal thoughts and changes in mood and she decided to increase the dose back to 10mg.
But it all makes me question exactly when do my thoughts and behaviors change from normal to pathological? I’ve always been open to exploring your “dark side”, if you might call it that. It all makes me wonder if I’m at a point where taking medication is pointless. It also makes me wonder if I’ll be stuck with suicidal thoughts for the rest of my life, whether it’s a BPD thing.
I’m just, I don’t know, in a philosophical state, I guess. But I trust M; with everything.
Sorry about this boring old post, I’ll be sure to cook up something more interesting next time, now that I’m starting third year.