PASS

It’s the word of the day. That’s right folks, I passed Step 1!!!

I was so scared of seeing my score that I was shaking and I gave the computer to my mom for her to see the score report first. I got a decently average score, which the perfectionist in me does not quite approve of, but, I PASSED. Also, all of my friends passed. I’m just…a bundle of joy. Shock and joy. That’s one phase of my career that I’m glad is over.

Now it’s on to the clinical years of medical school. I begin third year on Monday…at the other city. A new beginning. I’ll be there until mid-September doing my Obstetrics and Gynecology rotation. It’s crazy how fast time passes.

I decided to go to the rotation at the other city for various reasons. First off, it’s an adventure, and I like adventures. I also thought about how it could be good for me to leave home for a while and explore what living alone is like. It would be good practice for the future. Finally, I also thought about how it would be a good opportunity to put to work the skills I’ve learned in therapy without having M by my side weekly.

However, and this is a big however…I’m very afraid. I’m afraid of how things will go without having therapy with M as my safety net. I’ll miss her a lot. I’m scared of falling into a deep depression again. But there’s no other option but taking a risk, right?

Let’s see what happens.

I had therapy with M today. It was good, as usual. However, I had to wait an hour until she arrived. She told me there was an emergency with another patient, and excused herself. She told me how she was a bit worried about me, as she knows I get very emotional when she doesn’t arrive on time. I didn’t tell her, but I later realized I didn’t get that emotional while I was waiting for her, I was just worried that something had happened to her. That had never happened to me. Usually I think of myself first, but this time around I was genuinely worried about M. I took it as a good sign of progress.

I told her all about the guy and how I’ve found a few positives to the situation. She seemed proud, and genuinely happy for me. I also told her about how this morning I had a moment where I felt physically beautiful, for no reason at all. This had never happened to me. She seemed surprised, and we talked at length about how for someone with a negative concept of myself I can still have moments where I see myself under a positive light. It all depends on my mood and perception, and a lot of good things have been happening lately, which explains why I’m suddenly so positive about myself. 

Finally, I asked her whether she thought it was good for me to go to the other city for the rotation. I highly value M’s opinion. She told me that as long as I’m good, and I feel at ease with my decision, then she herself is at ease and thinks it’s good for me. She said it would be a good opportunity to see what other things we can address in therapy when I get back. And we agreed on emailing weekly.

But, in spite of all these good things, I feel overwhelmed, and that instinct to self-destroy is ever present. It’s like a little voice in my head fighting, wanting me to be miserable, to destroy everything. A little voice that says it wants to have M by my side at all times. Sometimes, I scare myself. Right now is one of those times.

So many things happening.

PS: I’ve been considering showing this blog to M. What do you think?

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4 comments
  1. Congratulations!!! I’m so happy for you!! Now onto an exciting new chapter of your life! Sorry this is going to be a short comment because I’m doing some mad studying, but I just wanted to say that I’m so happy that you are really happy right now! I think moving for a bit is a wonderful idea and yes, it’s a little scary, but that’s what makes it so much more rewarding! I believe in you – you will be able to handle it! You will be kept busy, too, leaving you less time to worry and get into negative thinking.

    Regarding showing her the blog, I don’t think any harm will come of it, but at the same time, I think it would be more helpful focusing on how you will deal with things in the present and future instead of going over things from the past.

    Also, just some med school advice – First Aid for Obstetrics and Gynecology was the best book to use in my opinion! All the relevant info in point form. Very succinct yet complete.

    I am truly excited for you! I am looking forward to hearing about your new adventures and keeping in touch ☺

    Lots of love,
    K

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  2. Thank you K! haha! No worries about the comment, your priority right now is Step 2!

    I think you're right about showing M the blog. Maybe I'll do it, maybe I won't, but like you said, it's more helpful to concentrate on the things at hand at this moment 🙂 Thanks for your opinion, I really appreciate it! And thank you for the advice, I'll be sure to look into First Aid.

    Let's see what happens, what new adventures await me

    Take care!

    Like

  3. Hey! How goes the preparations for your move? I'm really excited for you 🙂

    I'm being a hermit studying for the Step 2. It's agonizing. But not as agonizing as the aftermath of hanging out with my resident again. I thought I could be all cool and fun yet emotionally-detached, but true to form, I fell for him all over again. The worst part was that I was mainly over him and just happy that he still wanted to hang out. Now I want him back. I'm such a girl.

    Anyways, let me know how everything is going! Do you know any one else rotating at the same hospital?

    xoxo
    K

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  4. K, it seems you and I are just the same when it comes to men. If that would have happened to me I would have felt the same. We're such girls.

    Everything is fine…for now. I'll keep you posted on here, for sure.

    Keep working on that Step 2, I'm rooting for you! If you don't mind my asking, when are you taking it?

    Take care!

    Like

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