It’s the word of the day. That’s right folks, I passed Step 1!!!
I was so scared of seeing my score that I was shaking and I gave the computer to my mom for her to see the score report first. I got a decently average score, which the perfectionist in me does not quite approve of, but, I PASSED. Also, all of my friends passed. I’m just…a bundle of joy. Shock and joy. That’s one phase of my career that I’m glad is over.
Now it’s on to the clinical years of medical school. I begin third year on Monday…at the other city. A new beginning. I’ll be there until mid-September doing my Obstetrics and Gynecology rotation. It’s crazy how fast time passes.
I decided to go to the rotation at the other city for various reasons. First off, it’s an adventure, and I like adventures. I also thought about how it could be good for me to leave home for a while and explore what living alone is like. It would be good practice for the future. Finally, I also thought about how it would be a good opportunity to put to work the skills I’ve learned in therapy without having M by my side weekly.
However, and this is a big however…I’m very afraid. I’m afraid of how things will go without having therapy with M as my safety net. I’ll miss her a lot. I’m scared of falling into a deep depression again. But there’s no other option but taking a risk, right?
Let’s see what happens.
I had therapy with M today. It was good, as usual. However, I had to wait an hour until she arrived. She told me there was an emergency with another patient, and excused herself. She told me how she was a bit worried about me, as she knows I get very emotional when she doesn’t arrive on time. I didn’t tell her, but I later realized I didn’t get that emotional while I was waiting for her, I was just worried that something had happened to her. That had never happened to me. Usually I think of myself first, but this time around I was genuinely worried about M. I took it as a good sign of progress.
I told her all about the guy and how I’ve found a few positives to the situation. She seemed proud, and genuinely happy for me. I also told her about how this morning I had a moment where I felt physically beautiful, for no reason at all. This had never happened to me. She seemed surprised, and we talked at length about how for someone with a negative concept of myself I can still have moments where I see myself under a positive light. It all depends on my mood and perception, and a lot of good things have been happening lately, which explains why I’m suddenly so positive about myself.
Finally, I asked her whether she thought it was good for me to go to the other city for the rotation. I highly value M’s opinion. She told me that as long as I’m good, and I feel at ease with my decision, then she herself is at ease and thinks it’s good for me. She said it would be a good opportunity to see what other things we can address in therapy when I get back. And we agreed on emailing weekly.
But, in spite of all these good things, I feel overwhelmed, and that instinct to self-destroy is ever present. It’s like a little voice in my head fighting, wanting me to be miserable, to destroy everything. A little voice that says it wants to have M by my side at all times. Sometimes, I scare myself. Right now is one of those times.
So many things happening.
PS: I’ve been considering showing this blog to M. What do you think?