Well played

It only took a little bit of facebook stalking to realize that I got played. The guy already has another girl, or at least I’m under that impression. Plus, he hasn’t contacted me in a week. That says it all. Game over.

I just can’t get over it, though. I’m trying to move on, trying to focus on the positives, but I keep thinking that I somehow have this tattoo on my forehead that says “USE ME”. On the flip side, to try to soothe myself, I’ve thought that at least this most recent encounter proves to me that I can indeed do the whole dating thing. I’m back in the game.

But I don’t know if I want to play the game. I’m too invested when it comes to guys. I either love them or don’t care about them at all. I’m too afraid of getting hurt. How many times am I going to lose the game before I actually find someone who’s worthwhile? And, someone who’ll accept me for who I am, mental illness and all.

I guess another positive I can get out of this is the fact that I haven’t given much thought to cutting to alleviate the pain of getting hurt. That means progress.

Changing the subject…I’ve been reconsidering going to the other city for my Ob/Gyn rotation. After talking to my sister and several others, I think there’s more positives than what I originally thought. Also, I think it would be good to get away from my family for a while. However, I know it’s an important decision, and I don’t want to take it lightly or impulsively. So, tomorrow, I’ll call M and see what she thinks.

So much going on.  Decisions, decisions.

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2 comments
  1. Hello dear,

    It seems like you have the right attitude! Good for you! ☺ I’m sorry about the guy, but that’s all part of dating, isn’t it? Somehow somewhere along the way we will get hurt… it’s inevitable. He’s not worth your time and effort! Like you said, take it as an experience in dating and a chance to practice flirting and picking up.

    I am so afraid of getting hurt as well. My resident texted me and I took a whole 24 hours to text him back because I was so scared of waiting for his reply, which I find agonizing. Which I am doing now anyways, by the way. He wanted to get together last week and I declined not only because he doesn’t deserve it, but also because I am feeling fat and gross and scared. Ugh. A long time ago when we were dating I bought him tickets to a concert that is this Friday. At the time I told him it’s a long way from now and I don’t expect to go with you. He told me to keep the tickets but I refused. Anyways, there’s still this stupid, sick hope in the back of my head that he’ll still ask me to go, even though we haven’t seen each other in a month. I’m like you… I can’t do this dating thing. Everything’s too up in the air. I need a stable relationship. But wow does that ever sound desperate.

    I think it’s great that you’re reconsidering mowing for your rotation! I think a change of scenery will do wonders. And you will have to move out eventually, so this is just some practice ☺ Let me know what your therapist thinks. I am currently reconnecting with a therapist from back home who finally became Skype-enabled. I miss talking to him so much, even though it’s been 3 years. He was the best therapist I’ve ever had. The therapist I have now focuses too much on the past for my liking. I want to figure out what to do NOW. Anyways, it’s funny how attached we get, isn’t it? Deep down I hope they don’t see talking to me as a job but something that they actually enjoy.

    Hope you’re having a good day!
    K

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  2. Hi K!

    I understand what you mean about your resident, I've been there too. The whole pushing the guy away but wanting deep down for him to get closer. I guess we're both the stable relationship “type”. But I don't think that's desperate, I think it's just something we feel has to be fulfilled. The important thing is to not make it the single most important thing above all.

    I thought the same thing about the rotation! It's definitely practice for the future. It's my first time having to look for apartments, and all that it encompasses, and I'm on a ridiculous time-crunch. So, wish me luck!

    I didn't call M today, because I'll be seeing her tomorrow, so let's see what she says. I know she won't give me a “yes or no” answer, but I always put what she says first and think it through.

    I'm so glad you reconnected with your old therapist. It must feel great to have that connection with someone so important in your life. I hope all goes well. And I'm just like you, deep down hoping that my therapist actually enjoys talking to me, instead of just thinking of it as her job. Therapy is so intimate you can't help but hope that the therapist also thinks of it as something important. I'm one to know, since I've asked my therapist multiple times already whether I'm important to her!

    Hope you're having a good day too, and I hope you've gotten around to working on Step 2…I'm rooting for you! 😉

    Like

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