Another town

I’m sick with sinusitis. Yay! I’m all congested, have a terrible headache and a killer toothache. I’m a hot mess.

To make matters worse, I still haven’t heard anything from the guy. I still have the hope that he’ll contact me between Saturday and Sunday. After that, it’s definitely over.

But what I’ve really pushed to the back of my mind is something that has the potential to affect my mental health. I was chosen to do the third year Obstetrics and Gynecology rotation in another town. It’s about 2 hours (without traffic) from where I live, so staying at home and commuting is not an option. This rotation begins in August, so I have only a week to scramble around and make arrangements. I’m beyond pissed.

In Tuesday’s appointment with M I mentioned this to her. I read her from my diary, where I wrote that if I had to go to the other town to do my rotation I would end up killing myself. Yes, it’s that bad.

I don’t know if she took me seriously, which she should have. I truly feel like going to this other town will affect me seriously and could send me off into a deep depression again. The only way of not having to go is by asking a panel of professors and med school administrators and explaining to them my reasons for not being able to go. Then, they will decide whether or not they will exempt me from having to do my rotation in this other town.

What do I fear? Exposure. I fear having to expose my private health matters to people I don’t even know. I also fear being told that in spite of my asking for an exemption I will still have to go, because this would mean they didn’t understand the seriousness of the matter.

I’m really worried. 

  1. Hey hun,

    I’m sorry you’re feeling badly ☹ What is it exactly that worries you about moving to a new city? I’d really like to understand your concerns and possibly help. I think it would be a great thing for you! Try something new for just a few months – just a small step towards some change. I think everybody can benefit from a change in scenery… break out of routine and possibly bad habits. Does your therapist do Skype or phone sessions?
    By the way, you sound exactly like be regarding the guy. You know how many times I’ve said “If he doesn’t do so and so by this time, it’s over”?! I can’t handle uncertainty and having things “in between”. I’m either fully invested in the relationship or don’t give a shit. Full out girlfriend mode or single. I need to learn to be more flexible. But at the same time, I don’t think being the relationship type is such a bad thing. I’m not sure if you’ve been keeping up with my guy situation but I totally wrote him off and went into a sort of depression, when a week later he starts texting me again. I am so happy but so confused as to what to do. I’m not good at just casually messaging here and there. I want to see him but I know he doesn’t deserve me!
    I am having such a hard time studying for the Step 2 right now ☹ I’m so unmotivated. I’m so scared of doing badly, too. Residency programs really place a lot of emphasis on your Step 2 score. How do you motivate yourself to study? I find it so unpleasant. And I always end up psyching myself out.
    Hope to hear from you soon!


  2. Hi K,

    I just realized I didn't explain myself very well in the post. Sorry about that. So mainly what I'm worried about is the fact that I won't be able to have therapy with M if I go to the other city. She doesn't do skype or phone sessions, I think she would only do email at most. The thing is, I don't feel ready to not have therapy with her for such an extended period.

    And about the guy, yeah, I'm pretty “all or nothing” like you say. I figure it's the BPD in me. When it comes to guys I either don't care about them or want to be in a committed relationship with them…anything in between is impossible to me. So I completely understand your guy situation and the confusion you're facing right now. My mom always tells me to follow my heart, as cheesy as it sounds, I think it works.

    About Step 2, don't doubt yourself so much. If you've made it this far it means you're more than capable of doing a decent Step 2. I always try to remind myself of that: “If I've made it this far, it must mean something.” And about studying, I literally just force myself to study. As in, talking to myself out loud and saying “OK, you HAVE to study, or you'll screw everything up!” Remember, the more you think you'll be a failure, the higher the possibility of that actually happening. It's all in your head 🙂

    Take care!


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