The guy

I feel better today. I’m sort of halfway through to feeling OK, if that makes any sense. I saw M yesterday. We talked about the guy. It felt weird talking to her about it for some reason. I just didn’t want her to judge me.

But before all that, the story. I met the guy on last week’s post-Step trip. The first thing he told me was how pretty I was, to which I blushed and said thank you. He’s my age, and he’s pretty handsome. On the last day of the trip we met up and spent a few hours just talking. I felt so comfortable that I even told him about having been with a married man. He confessed to me that he had been with a married woman once and almost got killed because of it. And a while later, we were kissing. He kissed me.

Then, on Sunday, we were supposed to see each other, but he called me early in the morning to tell me he wouldn’t be able to. He told me we would see each other next time he would be in town. But he hasn’t called, texted, or added me on facebook since then. Bear in mind, this is the first guy ever who invites me on a date. He’s the only guy I’ve kissed other than my Ex.

So I told M all of this, and finally told her how I felt. How I felt abandoned, used, and pathetic. How it made me so frustrated and angry that he didn’t even add me on facebook. How it’s frustrating how quickly I get attached to people and how sensitive I am. How it makes me feel pathetic that I only feel complete when I’m with a guy and how I depend on that person to make me feel beautiful, worthwhile, validated, etc.

First off, she pulled me back to reality. The guy is from another country, and has a job, albeit an unusual one. I wasn’t supposed to expect much from that “fling”. It was just that, a fling. Then she told me that I’m putting too much pressure on a person I’ve barely just met. How I’m putting too much pressure on him and expecting this person to make me feel whole.

Finally, the most important thing that she told me was that I have to look for the silver lining in all of this. He made me feel beautiful, he made me feel some self-worth, he made me feel validated. And most of all, I enjoyed it within my own limits. I didn’t sleep with the guy, I just kissed him. I set my own limits. And I enjoyed it, I had fun, I felt I was living in the moment. That, she told me, was what I have to focus on. And as always, she’s right.

But, you know, what frustrates me is that I met a guy I felt attracted to, who was my age, who was single, who was independent, and who made me feel validated, yet I can’t explore more of that relationship due to external circumstances. Plus, the guy just left it there and I haven’t heard anything from him since then. You know when you feel a spark? Yeah, that’s what it felt like.

Unfortunately, I know I have to work on myself first. I still have the hope of hearing more from the guy, but at the same time I’m trying to push it to the back of my mind so I can forget it all slowly.

I enjoyed it. That’s what’s important.

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4 comments
  1. Hi again!

    I'm so glad you are feeling better. It sounds like your therapist really knows how to point out where you've gone awry in your thinking and how to look at situations more realistically. I wanted to tell you that it's not you – it's the situation! I'm sure you know that deep down somewhere, but it's so hard not to let the negative emotions take over. There is no reason to take it personally or for you to believe that he did not truly enjoy meeting you.

    He might add you to Facebook, he may not… but there are many reasons why. I sometimes think that it gets in the way of getting to know some one because you get this artificial glimpse into their life.

    I know it's hard not to feel rejected, and in that situation I'm sure I would think that it's all me and that there's something wrong with me. But there are so many other reasons why people are unavailable or pull away, and people like us often see benign gestures as rejection. I know I read into every little thing and the smallest thing has the greatest meaning for me. I am really trying to learn not to do that.

    I was convinced that the guy I was seeing was trying to get rid of me, and when I confronted him about it he was surprised and said it was all circumstantial and that he still wanted to hang out. Me being me, I pulled away immediately and became scarce. Then he texts this week wanting to hang out. I spent the past week in agony thinking he was done with me, when I could have spared myself all that pain if I had just not assumed the worst.

    Have you always felt this way with men? How long was your last relationship? I have not been single in a very long time, but I do remember feeling lonely and inadequate without a boyfriend even in my early 20's. (I'm now in my early 30's). I always liked to think of myself as a strong, independent woman, but I am not in certain respects. I often feel so lonely, even though I have good friends I can rely on. Do you know why you feel lonely? And how do you cope with it?

    Love,
    K

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  2. Hi K, thank you so much for your words. I really appreciate it. Like you, I read into every single little detail and always end up thinking that I'm the problem. To me, even the tiniest things mean rejection. Your point of view really helps me understand the situation in another light and it makes me feel less lonely.

    I can't really tell you whether I've always been this way with men because I've only had one relationship which was everything but normal. I lasted 5 years with my Ex, since I was 16 years old, so it's only now that I'm beginning to really have experiences with men (this most recent one being the first one). My Ex was a married man, and all through the 5 years I knew about this, unfortunately, and tagged along (something I really regret). So, again, this is my first true experience with flirting, dating, kissing, etc.

    I can, however, relate to what you say about feeling lonely and inadequate without a boyfriend. I've always felt this emptiness within me that I've always thought could only be relieved with having a boyfriend. I honestly don't know why I have always felt so lonely, I've usually attributed it to having friends who would abandon me or having a mother who at crucial moments was emotionally unavailable. How do I deal with this? I try to ignore the feelings. I know it's not the best way of coping.

    Hope to hear more of you, take care šŸ˜‰

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  3. Hi!

    I am so happy that I found you and your blog šŸ™‚ It makes me feel less alone. We have so much in common.

    Wow, it seems like you have had a unique experience with men! How did your last relationship start? How much older was he? There is so much I regret with relationships, but remember that we learn so much from our mistakes and it's never a waste of time.

    I am still feeling a bit sad because I'm not sure why my relationship dissipated the way it did, but I feel so much better now since he's been texting me again. At least I know he's still thinking of me and maybe even misses me. I was so good to him, I couldn't see how he could lose me so easily. I know it's so silly having my self-esteem rely on how much he likes me, but it's the sad truth. I always want to be the best everything to everybody.

    I definitely had issues with friends ditching me when growing up, and also had pretty detached parents and no siblings. So I've always kind of been alone. I am so social now though, that no one would have a clue. I don't think ignoring feelings is always a bad thing. I think ruminating is far worse. Keeping yourself busy and not letting your feelings take over is a good way to deal with things if you can't talk yourself out of feeling a certain way. I truly believe in the mantra “Fake it 'til you make it”. There are even studies that show that people who act happy (even if it's fake), end up feeling happier. Behavior affects mood.

    Right now I'm feeling a little lonelier than I have in the past few days because it's the weekend. Usually I would be partying with friends (or when I was with my resident, spending time with him), but I have to study now šŸ˜¦ I feel so behind in my studying and residency applications and it's a bit overwhelming. My self-esteem relies heavily on my career as well, and if I don't succeed, I will probably fall apart. Being a doctor was the only career I thought would make me feel worthy.

    I wrote back to your comment on my blog and have a lot of questions for you so when you have a moment, please check it out šŸ™‚

    Sending happy thoughts your way šŸ™‚

    K

    Like

  4. Hello again K!

    So my last relationship was actually my first ever. It started when I was 16 and lasted 5 years. He was married, 14 years older than I, and my teacher (well that was embarrassing to write). It's not something I'm proud of, at all. I regret it every day, but at least I learned a lot from it. He was borderline emotionally abusive and I was too innocent to get away from him fast. Because I was too busy tagging along after him for 5 years, I had absolutely none of the normal teenage experiences of dating, flirting, sex, etc. I'm completely clueless when it comes to men. This guy I met last week is my first experience ever with men, since breaking up with my Ex more than a year ago.

    Wow, it's incredible how much I can relate to you when it comes to wanting to “be the best everything to everybody”. Right down to wanting your resident to still be thinking about you, I can relate. I even do that with my psychiatrist. I honestly don't know how to stop myself from doing it, and I'm sure you don't either. It's just so unnerving, because you give so much of yourself to others but end up neglecting yourself.

    My self-esteem relies heavily on my career too. That's why med school was such a shock to me at first. I used to be the straight A student, and then got to med school only to have to become accustomed to C's and (maybe) B's. Before, being the straight A student would give me an excuse to become the teacher's pet, so-to-speak, and get from teachers the attention and love I so craved. Now I don't have that. I think that contributed a lot to my breakdown.

    I answered your comment on your blog. Again, hope to hear more of you.

    Take care!

    Like

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