I feel better today. I’m sort of halfway through to feeling OK, if that makes any sense. I saw M yesterday. We talked about the guy. It felt weird talking to her about it for some reason. I just didn’t want her to judge me.
But before all that, the story. I met the guy on last week’s post-Step trip. The first thing he told me was how pretty I was, to which I blushed and said thank you. He’s my age, and he’s pretty handsome. On the last day of the trip we met up and spent a few hours just talking. I felt so comfortable that I even told him about having been with a married man. He confessed to me that he had been with a married woman once and almost got killed because of it. And a while later, we were kissing. He kissed me.
Then, on Sunday, we were supposed to see each other, but he called me early in the morning to tell me he wouldn’t be able to. He told me we would see each other next time he would be in town. But he hasn’t called, texted, or added me on facebook since then. Bear in mind, this is the first guy ever who invites me on a date. He’s the only guy I’ve kissed other than my Ex.
So I told M all of this, and finally told her how I felt. How I felt abandoned, used, and pathetic. How it made me so frustrated and angry that he didn’t even add me on facebook. How it’s frustrating how quickly I get attached to people and how sensitive I am. How it makes me feel pathetic that I only feel complete when I’m with a guy and how I depend on that person to make me feel beautiful, worthwhile, validated, etc.
First off, she pulled me back to reality. The guy is from another country, and has a job, albeit an unusual one. I wasn’t supposed to expect much from that “fling”. It was just that, a fling. Then she told me that I’m putting too much pressure on a person I’ve barely just met. How I’m putting too much pressure on him and expecting this person to make me feel whole.
Finally, the most important thing that she told me was that I have to look for the silver lining in all of this. He made me feel beautiful, he made me feel some self-worth, he made me feel validated. And most of all, I enjoyed it within my own limits. I didn’t sleep with the guy, I just kissed him. I set my own limits. And I enjoyed it, I had fun, I felt I was living in the moment. That, she told me, was what I have to focus on. And as always, she’s right.
But, you know, what frustrates me is that I met a guy I felt attracted to, who was my age, who was single, who was independent, and who made me feel validated, yet I can’t explore more of that relationship due to external circumstances. Plus, the guy just left it there and I haven’t heard anything from him since then. You know when you feel a spark? Yeah, that’s what it felt like.
Unfortunately, I know I have to work on myself first. I still have the hope of hearing more from the guy, but at the same time I’m trying to push it to the back of my mind so I can forget it all slowly.
I enjoyed it. That’s what’s important.