A fling

That’s what he was. And that’s it.

He had to cancel the date because of a change in his work hours. He told me he would see me next time he would be in town, which I don’t know when that is. He sounded genuinely sad when he called me to cancel.

But I feel like shit. I got attached in the blink of an eye. I’m not used to getting that kind of attention from a guy, and the date would have been my first date ever. I was excited. Now I’m sad, crying.

I feel like I shouldn’t feel like this, like I should be able to brush it off and just keep walking. I should be able to recognize that it wasn’t going to work out and there was nothing there in the first place, and I should be able to just get on with my life. But I can’t. That’s the problem. I feel a thousand times what a normal person does under the same circumstances. It’s like a really bad sunburn that doesn’t stop hurting no matter how much aloe you put on it.

I also keep thinking that he’s just going to forget about me, that he just thinks I was someone he could kiss and leave just like that. He won’t call me again, he won’t text me, he won’t add me on facebook. I’m certain of all of this even though he has my phone number and email. I know it’s the BPD talking, but I can’t control it. Why do I get attached so easily?

Another thing that is making me hurt is that I’m back home. As soon as I stepped inside the car when my parents picked me up I could feel the toxicity. Immediately my mood changed to a gloomy, angry, mush. I slept all throughout the day because I was so caught up thinking about the guy and also I didn’t want to deal with my parents. The toxicity is palpable. I’ve thought about moving out, but unfortunately I don’t have any money and won’t be making money for probably another two years. 

It all hurts too much. I’m hurting, and I want it to stop.

Why am I always in pain? Why me?


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