I’m actively isolating as I write this.
My brother and his girlfriend are visiting us tonight. I’m upstairs in my room, checking internet, etc. I was fine, talking with the family, actively engaging; but suddenly I got bored and started having negative thoughts. Mostly about my weight. I spaced out. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with accepting my body lately. It’s just, not working out. I actively hate myself.
I’ve always had problems finding my self-worth, accepting myself…loving myself. I’ve always thought I’m worthless. It’s kind of sad, I have to admit.
I went out to dinner yesterday with a very close friend of mine. It made me feel so small when I heard her talk about how much she values herself and how she values her goals in life. Though I admire her for that, I couldn’t help but feel jealous. I’ve honestly never thought about myself in such a way. I’ve always thought I’m nothing.
But where does all this come from? I guess you could say from years of bullying at school and also years of feeling small and worthless at home. I can assure you my family loves me and I mean a lot to them; however, I can’t see why they would love a worthless little thing such as myself.
Because of these problems with finding my self-worth I always strive to be the best, 100%, A+. It’s the only way I find some semblance of self-worth, by being the perfect student. That’s why medical school was such a shock to me at first…having to be content with B’s and C’s and being less than perfect.
But I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want to be me. I just want to be free.
How do you find your self-worth?