What am I worth?

I’m actively isolating as I write this.

My brother and his girlfriend are visiting us tonight. I’m upstairs in my room, checking internet, etc. I was fine, talking with the family, actively engaging; but suddenly I got bored and started having negative thoughts. Mostly about my weight. I spaced out. I’ve been having a lot of trouble with accepting my body lately. It’s just, not working out. I actively hate myself.

I’ve always had problems finding my self-worth, accepting myself…loving myself. I’ve always thought I’m worthless. It’s kind of sad, I have to admit.

I went out to dinner yesterday with a very close friend of mine. It made me feel so small when I heard her talk about how much she values herself and how she values her goals in life. Though I admire her for that, I couldn’t help but feel jealous. I’ve honestly never thought about myself in such a way. I’ve always thought I’m nothing.

But where does all this come from? I guess you could say from years of bullying at school and also years of feeling small and worthless at home. I can assure you my family loves me and I mean a lot to them; however, I can’t see why they would love a worthless little thing such as myself.

Because of these problems with finding my self-worth I always strive to be the best, 100%, A+. It’s the only way I find some semblance of self-worth, by being the perfect student. That’s why medical school was such a shock to me at first…having to be content with B’s and C’s and being less than perfect.

But I don’t want to live like this anymore. I just want to be me. I just want to be free.

How do you find your self-worth?

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2 comments
  1. Anonymous said:

    Hi. I understand how it feels. My self-worth isn't that great either from years of bullying in school for being the “nerd.” It's a perception thing. When people treat you like crap for years it's bound to affect you. It's about changing your perception of yourself. I had to stare at myself in the mirror naked and constantly repeat “I am beautiful and I am loved” to appreciate what I am. I am not perfect and, yes, I slip up and freak the hell out about my appearance but we are all people and each of us is beautiful in our own ways.

    Like

  2. Hi there 🙂 My psychiatrist has told me thousands of times that it's all about perception. Yet I still have trouble with that. But it's nice having someone reaffirm that on here, so thank you. And about staring at your naked self, I'll be sure to try that, though I admire you for that because I have so much trouble with looking at myself in the mirror, let alone naked. But yes, we have to address our perception of ourselves to be able to find some self-worth…and like you said, learn to accept the slip-ups for what they are.

    Like

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