Of vacations, food, and anxiety

My mom is angry at me. And I’m so sensitive I can’t seem to shake it off. This whole sensitivity thing that comes with being borderline is so frustrating. For those medical-related folks out there, having BPD and being so sensitive always reminds me of Staphylococcal Scalded Skin Syndrome. Yeah, don’t do a Google search on that…

So my post-Step days have been OK until now. I’ve been mainly catching up with friends. However, I can’t help but want to stay at home, inside, and just relax. I want to spend some time with my family.

I had the most upsetting thing happen to me yesterday. I was with my mom at the mall, and I was looking at some dresses, but none of them were in my size. Then my mom suggested I try a bigger size. I told her there was no way it was going to fit. She then said “But now that you’re a bit heavier…”. Oh lordy.

That little voice inside my head started screaming “FAT FAT FAT!”. I was taken aback and felt hurt. This happened only a few days after my sister Y told me I now have “hips”. And it happened only a few hours before I realized a dress I had in my closet no longer fit like it used to. I was triggered.

You know, M seemed amused when I told her all this about my weight in our last session. However, time ran out and we never got to discuss it. I really want to know what she thinks. It’s really affecting me more than I expected, and the little voice doesn’t seem to shut up. Every time I grab something to eat the voice is there shouting at me. It’s an unhealthy relationship with food, I recognize that much; however, I still harbor this deep rooted fear of gaining weight and fear getting better would mean being heavier.

Then there’s the anxiety…my mom just suggested I go to the mall alone today. I can’t, mom, I have anxiety. But I can’t tell her that. There’s no way she would understand. So she just thinks I’m lazy. Same thing happens with walking my dog. I can’t do it alone because of anxiety, yet my mom just thinks I’m lazy.

Sometimes I think I’m too complicated, like I’m a helpless case. But the thing is, I want to get better.

It’s all too difficult.

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