Step 1 status: done.
It was difficult. Bloody difficult, to be precise. There were a lot of things I had never in my life seen before. Then there was the anxiety. I was so anxious and tried to control myself multiple times. I was freaked out up until halfway through the exam. From then on I was able to calm myself a bit. I’m sure that affected my score a lot. Let’s just put it this way: my expectancies changed from getting a good score to simply passing.
So that’s that. As Y, my sister, told me, what’s done is done, and now it’s a matter of waiting three weeks for the score. But I really hope I passed. I’ll be devastated if I don’t.
Then today I had my appointment with M. I bombarded her with so many things, I hope she didn’t feel overwhelmed.
First off, I told her about how I felt after the cancelled appointment. I read her some diary entries where I wrote about feeling angry and sad, then told her about how I had suicidal thoughts and even self-harmed. I told her that I reacted that way because it was a worst case scenario sort of situation where I thought my worst nightmare was becoming a reality (being abandoned by her).
We talked about how that situation could have triggered certain memories of abandonment in me, and how that could have been why I reacted like I did. I know there have been moments where I have felt abandoned and that is why I fear it so much from her. However, I can’t seem to pinpoint any memories that stand out. I remember so little from when I was a child. Sometimes I think that I might have gone through something traumatic and that that’s why I don’t remember many things.
I guess the first example that pops into my head now is feeling abandoned by my mom. Many times I felt like I wasn’t important to her. For example, when I was a teenager and got freaked out about grades at school and start crying, my mom would sometimes ignore me or didn’t even try to soothe me. Then I also felt abandoned by my Ex when he would promise to call me and didn’t call. Both of those situations made me feel angry and sad, just like I felt when M didn’t show up that day.
Then I read her this post. She told me something that left me thinking. She said that it seemed interesting to her how for someone so perfectionist, and for someone who recognizes that these behaviors are wrong, I still insist upon remaining as thin and broken as possible. I guess I have a distorted way of thinking where being thin equals perfection. Like I wrote in the post, if getting better means gaining weight, then I don’t want to get better.
Finally, right at the end I asked her whether I meant anything to her. I asked her this question on our previous appointment, but time had run out and she told me we would discuss that later. So today I asked her. I knew she wouldn’t answer yes or no, that wasn’t the purpose of the question. However, I didn’t expect her answer either. First she asked me whether I felt I meant anything to anyone. I told her that rationally I felt I meant something at least to my family, but my irrational mind insists that that’s not true. She then told me that there’s a difference between what is actually true and what I perceive. She said that in the same way that my irrational mind thinks I don’t mean anything to my family, no matter how she would answer the question I would perceive that I meant nothing to her. That’s how I’ve been conditioned to think. And she’s right.
But you know what? I think I do mean something to her. I don’t know what, and I probably never will, but deep down I think there’s something there.
And that makes me feel safe and sound.