Back on a pedestal

M returned my call.

Turns out she was out of the office for the week and the secretary failed to call me to cancel my appointment beforehand. M apologized, even if she didn’t have to. 

So M didn’t abandon me. It wasn’t her fault. Now I have her back on her pedestal. Black and white thinking, over and over again.

I honestly feel ridiculous, embarrassed, ashamed, for how I reacted. The sad part is that because of how I reacted I realized that I am still not 100% better. It’s not exactly normal to cry, get suicidal, and to self-harm when your psychiatrist fails to show up.

But the problem is that I was under the perceived situation of abandonment. I perceived abandonment, and that is my worst nightmare. Even more so from M. Especially from M. And I felt that my worst nightmare became a reality. I thought she’d forgotten about me. That is when things turned ugly. Like I’ve said here before, I’m absolutely terrified of M abandoning me. That is why I reacted so irrationally, so viscerally. Her abandonment would be a deathly stabbing to me, figuratively speaking.

Have I taken steps back BPD-wise? Or is this just a slip along the road of therapy?

Unfortunately, I’ll leave it at that today. I have a lot more to say, but Step 1 is 3 days away and I have to study.



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