(5 days until Step 1…)
I can’t focus. I feel down in the dumps. M hasn’t returned my call.
I feel insignificant and small. Then again, I always feel that way. My self-esteem es next to non-existent. This is what I wrote in my diary yesterday:
I’m worth nothing. I’m a piece of meat on the floor. I’m frustrated with my life. I wish I could erase everything and start over. I’m not a person. I’m nothing. I’m suicidal and I can’t sleep. I feel trapped. How do I attain a feeling of self-worth?
I guess I just grew up with this deeply ingrained belief that I am worthless. And now that Step 1 is right around the corner, the stress has resurfaced these feelings. Rationally, I know I’m worth something to at least my family. However, even that doesn’t convince my irrational side.
And about M…well, rationally I know that she’s a very busy person and that I’m not her only patient. But my irrational side can’t help but feel hurt. I’m even starting to think that she’s avoiding me. I don’t blame her. I’d avoid me.
I just want to cry, but the tears don’t want to come out.
Again, how do I attain a feeling of self-worth? Is it normal for me to think that I’m just a worthless piece of sh*t? And why do I have this deeply ingrained belief? Things are not going to get better unless I validate myself and find some self-worth. Then again, those around me always make me feel worthless. At some point everyone I trust makes me feel worthless.
The common denominator is me.