Monsters

Only a week and a half more to go until Step 1…I think that says it all.

I wrote a little something in my diary yesterday. I’m planning on reading it to M in tomorrow’s appointment. However, I will advise to anyone who might be eating disordered that it might be triggering. Here goes:

I hate this body. I’m fat. However, I keep eating like an animal. I can’t stop. I’m constantly hungry. There’s clothes that don’t fit me anymore and every time I look in the mirror I inspect every detail. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate what I see. 

How is it possible that in 1 year I have gained 14 lbs.? How is this possible, when I haven’t gained weight since high school or even before that? I weigh — lbs. That’s 3 digits. Before, it used to be 2 digits…and I can’t stand seeing 3 digits now. 

 Before leaving for my internship last summer I weighed — lbs. I wish I was there again, I think about it every day. I think about doing exercise, but I can’t find the energy. I’m tired of this damned body. I want to look fragile and small, see the bones on my chest. I don’t want to look like a woman. I don’t want to be fat.

I look in the mirror and all I see are thighs that are too large, even wider than my hips. And the gap between my thighs used to be bigger…I see a huge butt and a belly that I don’t want. I’m tired of this, I want to be small. 

I know these thoughts might seem irrational. Since I was 12 years old I have had a fear of gaining weight. But I don’t understand why. I’ve thought it might be a fear of losing what makes me unique, what gives me an identity. Or is it a fear of growing up and being independent? 

I want to go back to being — lbs. If getting better means gaining weight, then I don’t want to get better; at least not in that aspect. These thoughts consume me. Of all the monsters I have inside of me, that is the only one I don’t want to leave behind. I don’t want to detach myself from it. 

 And now I’m triggered to cut…triggered to mutilate this body that I hate so much. Fat, ugly, and useless. 

I was desperate to put all those thoughts on paper. I feel better now, but the thoughts are still in the back of my mind. I really want to know what M thinks. I don’t know if she understands just how much this affects me. We’ve discussed it before, but I’ve never really read her a diary entry so desperate like that one.

I know I sound like an extremely superficial person. It’s difficult to not feel like it when I think these kinds of thoughts. But deep down I know there’s something hurting. And if there’s something that M has taught me, it’s that there’s always a deep root to our problems.

However, the problem is, I don’t know how to reconcile my fear of gaining weight with my wanting to get better.

And I don’t know if I want to. 

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2 comments
  1. Wow, this resonates with me so much. I so want my shoulder blades to stick out, my cheeks to sink in, my clavicles to jut out sharply… But, unlike you, I have never been tiny (http://wp.me/p26tiK-4c). I'd be happy to be under 110lbs.

    I want to be mentally healthy, but I know I never could be happy unless I'm underweight. And please, you don't sound superficial at all. Look at this world we live in. I've spent thousands on Liposonix, VelaShape, liposuction, Botox, laser hair removal… I don't feel I can be loved unless I am beautiful. That's all I have to offer.

    Like

  2. Hey S, I can relate so much to you. It's so difficult wanting to be mentally healthy and sound but at the same time struggling with your weight in a way that you know is unhealthy. It's like choosing your demons; on the one side you want to be OK but on the other side you can't help but keep striving to be thin. And what you said “I don't feel I can be loved unless I am beautiful”, I feel the same way. If I perceive the smallest “flaw” I am set off by it. My self-esteem is next to non-existent because of that.

    But, you know, slowly we'll get better. It takes time and effort, but it's worth it. Just remember, you are a strong woman.

    Like

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