Virus

I’m frustrated. I did a practice test today and only scored 2 points higher than my previous practice test. I’m angry. I haven’t been wasting away my life these past two months to score below average on Step 1. Let’s see if I can manage to do something about that score in these next two weeks. Two weeks until Step 1….

But enough of that ranting. I didn’t come here to bore you with the ins and outs of my studying.

*Sigh*

I’m sick of having my Ex in my mind. I don’t know why I keep having problems with this. It’s been more than a year and a half since everything ended, yet I keep thinking back to him and seeing him in my dreams. Mind you, in those dreams I’m always avoiding him. So, the issue is not that I still love him (if I ever did). The issue is that I simply cannot get him out of my mind. I keep wondering what he’s doing now, what his life is like, and so many things unfortunately remind me of him. It’s like a memory that refuses to die, like a virus that keeps replicating in my brain…

I feel trapped inside my own mind. And there’s no way I can get rid of all those memories and thoughts. I want him OUT, but no matter what part of my mind I escape to, he is always there.

And I can’t get used to this new life. I can’t get used to not living in misery constantly. Those 5 years I spent “with him” I was miserable the whole time. Did that mark me so much that now I can’t manage a life without being miserable? Why can’t I get used to this new life?

Why am I so afraid?

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