Trying to get back up

Can’t get myself to study. Why? Had a great 20 minute appointment with M…and then my mom brought me back to reality.

So I had my appointment with M today. As soon as I saw her I was saying to myself that I had been such a fool for thinking that I can’t trust her. That’s the thing, in between appointments I get desperate and the voice inside my head says I shouldn’t trust her, but then when I have appointments with her everything just flows and I’m back to trusting her. It’s like she transfers some sort of positivity to me. The whole dynamic makes the voice shut up and she proves to me that she can be trusted.

I showed her my previous blog post. She seemed amused. She told me that the progress I have made in therapy is incredible, yet something is holding me back. She said it seems as though I’m not letting myself enjoy recovery and thus keep self-sabotaging. Not trusting other people is proof of that. It’s as though I were constantly living with brakes on my road to happiness.

We discussed how this relates to my fear of the unknown, the unknown being happiness. She said I can either live like that for the rest of my life…or take a chance (even if it sounds cheesy, she’s right).

And I don’t want to live like that anymore…I don’t want to live being constantly paranoid and fearful of others.

So that was what we talked about. As I said, it was a short appointment, so there wasn’t much more that we discussed.

However, at the end of the appointment I asked her, point blank: “Do I mean something to you?” She answered with a question that for the life of me I can’t seem to remember, so I answered back: “And don’t answer with questions.” I knew she wasn’t going to say yes or no, but I still wanted to know what she’d respond to the question. She told me to think it over and we’ll discuss it next week. So, now I’m really interested in what she’ll say next week.

Then I got home. And things sort of crashed and burned a bit (though I’m better now).

My mom argues a lot. And today was no exception. She got angry because my dog peed on one of the carpets at home. And it all triggered me. She was shouting, talking loudly to herself, complaining about me and the dog, making noise…it all triggered me to bits. A few tears rolled down my cheeks, I couldn’t help myself. My mother’s moods affect me too much. Making her happy is impossible, she’s always searching for something better even if what she’s got in front of her is the best thing yet. She’s complicated, and I don’t know how to deal with her.

So, there I was, being all happy and grateful for the appointment with M and how well it went, for it all to come crashing down. My mother can be the most loving person, and the most toxic person all in one.

*Sigh*

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