My brain is a mess right now

I think my mom told my sister Y about my having depression.

Under normal circumstances I’d be angry about this. Since I was little I’ve always had issues with my mom sharing things about me that are private or I simply don’t want others to know. However, I don’t care about much nowadays. Hey, maybe it’s even better for me, spares me the awkwardness of telling my sister about my mental health issues. It’s not like I was planning on telling her either way, but whatever.

These last few days I’ve been feeling weird. Tired and apathetic. I really want to be over with Step 1 already, but at the same time I feel I need more time to study. My scores on practice tests have not been all too stellar, so I’m quite worried and scared. But I guess all I can do is keep studying and working.

This is what I wrote on my diary yesterday:

I feel very weird. I have images in my head. Blood.

I want to sleep and not wake up. 

I feel abandoned. By MM. Also by the doctor. Dr. M. Yes, both of them. MM is acting weird lately and I’ve distanced myself from her. We are barely talking because of Step 1. And, to top it all off, I won’t be seeing M this week.

I want to cry.

I guess it speaks for itself.

I forgot to say, but M decreased my dose of Abilify to 5mg. I guess that’s good? I’m just scared of relapsing, that’s all.

I think I feel something boiling up inside…BPD-wise.

Damn it, I’m so tired I’m incoherent. I’m sorry about this pointless post.

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