"You gotta get up and try"

I’m so physically tired. My sleep has been all over the place, mainly because I’m going to sleep late and waking up ridiculously early. Been studying these last few days, nothing special. 

I had an appointment with M yesterday after 3 weeks of not having therapy (she was on vacation). It was OK. But it was difficult to express myself and get my points across to her because after a long time of not seeing her, it sort of breaks the routine. You see, my problem is that after not seeing her for a while I start getting these pseudo-paranoid thoughts in my head. For example, I start thinking that she’s internally laughing at me, or thinks I’m pathetic, or thinks I’m a pain in the ass to work with. So I push her away to protect myself. My irrational brain thinks I can’t trust her, so I push her away to not get hurt.

But it was an OK appointment nonetheless. I even told her about those pseudo-paranoid thoughts I get. She told me that these thoughts happen because there have been so many inconsistencies in my life, like the inconsistent attention I would receive from my mother when I was little, and the friends that would abandon me. She said that I’ve been conditioned to think I will be abandoned, so any break from routine will make me think she (M) is abandoning me or laughing at me, or having negative thoughts about me.

I guess that’s that little BPD voice inside my head.

We also talked about me feeling in a limbo, about feeling like my life was interrupted due to being with my Ex. She told me that I can’t focus on just my Ex, because my life was interrupted even before that. The only reason I was with my Ex was because unconsciously I had to fulfill certain needs that had not been provided to me in my young life. So I went out looking to fulfill those needs, and found my Ex and stuck with him. But M said that my life was broken even before that, and those are the issues I have to focus on, not on my Ex. She compared it to trying to bring down a tree by only cutting the branches, and not the roots.

And she’s right. It all makes sense to me. I mean, the reason I was with my Ex was not because I wanted to be with a married, older man. That was not my goal. My goal was an unconscious need to fulfill the emptiness I had in me. And the root (or roots) of that emptiness is something I have been searching for in therapy.

She also gave me an interesting assignment. She asked me to get more in touch with my feelings when I write. She says that when I write I might seem distant, trying to protect myself from my own feelings. So, she said, I should try to get more in touch with myself and not be afraid of what I truly feel.

So that was the appointment with M. It left me feeling a bit bittersweet because I felt myself pushing her away. But I hope that for the next appointment I can fall back in routine and let her get to me like she always does.

You know, I also felt this ridiculous pang of jealousy right before the appointment. There was this other woman waiting for another doctor at the psychiatrists office where M works, and when M came to get me to go to her office, she recognized the other woman in the waiting room. She was excited to see her and even gave her a hug. I was so jealous. I just wish M and I were friends, that is all. But, alas, she is just my doctor. But I also felt jealous because I get very territorial when it comes to M. I like to imagine I’m her only patient. I wonder if that’s a BPD thing? Does anyone else experience that?

As for med school…I’ve just been studying. I got very stressed at the beginning of this week and had to take a break and paint, because it was all getting too much. However, I won’t be posting what I painted here because it’s terrible. I’ll be painting over it some other day, haha.

You know, I told M about that, about wanting to paint over what I painted earlier this week….she said that’s what I have to do with my life. Paint over the things I don’t like and start over. Such a pretty way of putting it.

Sorry for the long post, I hope I didn’t bore you.

PS: I have this Pink song in my head. I love the lyrics. Hope you like it.


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