I’m so physically tired. My sleep has been all over the place, mainly because I’m going to sleep late and waking up ridiculously early. Been studying these last few days, nothing special.
I had an appointment with M yesterday after 3 weeks of not having therapy (she was on vacation). It was OK. But it was difficult to express myself and get my points across to her because after a long time of not seeing her, it sort of breaks the routine. You see, my problem is that after not seeing her for a while I start getting these pseudo-paranoid thoughts in my head. For example, I start thinking that she’s internally laughing at me, or thinks I’m pathetic, or thinks I’m a pain in the ass to work with. So I push her away to protect myself. My irrational brain thinks I can’t trust her, so I push her away to not get hurt.
But it was an OK appointment nonetheless. I even told her about those pseudo-paranoid thoughts I get. She told me that these thoughts happen because there have been so many inconsistencies in my life, like the inconsistent attention I would receive from my mother when I was little, and the friends that would abandon me. She said that I’ve been conditioned to think I will be abandoned, so any break from routine will make me think she (M) is abandoning me or laughing at me, or having negative thoughts about me.
I guess that’s that little BPD voice inside my head.
We also talked about me feeling in a limbo, about feeling like my life was interrupted due to being with my Ex. She told me that I can’t focus on just my Ex, because my life was interrupted even before that. The only reason I was with my Ex was because unconsciously I had to fulfill certain needs that had not been provided to me in my young life. So I went out looking to fulfill those needs, and found my Ex and stuck with him. But M said that my life was broken even before that, and those are the issues I have to focus on, not on my Ex. She compared it to trying to bring down a tree by only cutting the branches, and not the roots.
And she’s right. It all makes sense to me. I mean, the reason I was with my Ex was not because I wanted to be with a married, older man. That was not my goal. My goal was an unconscious need to fulfill the emptiness I had in me. And the root (or roots) of that emptiness is something I have been searching for in therapy.
She also gave me an interesting assignment. She asked me to get more in touch with my feelings when I write. She says that when I write I might seem distant, trying to protect myself from my own feelings. So, she said, I should try to get more in touch with myself and not be afraid of what I truly feel.
So that was the appointment with M. It left me feeling a bit bittersweet because I felt myself pushing her away. But I hope that for the next appointment I can fall back in routine and let her get to me like she always does.
You know, I also felt this ridiculous pang of jealousy right before the appointment. There was this other woman waiting for another doctor at the psychiatrists office where M works, and when M came to get me to go to her office, she recognized the other woman in the waiting room. She was excited to see her and even gave her a hug. I was so jealous. I just wish M and I were friends, that is all. But, alas, she is just my doctor. But I also felt jealous because I get very territorial when it comes to M. I like to imagine I’m her only patient. I wonder if that’s a BPD thing? Does anyone else experience that?
As for med school…I’ve just been studying. I got very stressed at the beginning of this week and had to take a break and paint, because it was all getting too much. However, I won’t be posting what I painted here because it’s terrible. I’ll be painting over it some other day, haha.
You know, I told M about that, about wanting to paint over what I painted earlier this week….she said that’s what I have to do with my life. Paint over the things I don’t like and start over. Such a pretty way of putting it.
Sorry for the long post, I hope I didn’t bore you.
PS: I have this Pink song in my head. I love the lyrics. Hope you like it.