Limbo

Just wanted to do a quick post while I’m dealing with Cardiology. (Seriously, when will I ever get rid of Cardiology from my life?).

I was thinking recently about my Ex. I was reminded of him because of a blog post I read recently. It made me wonder what aspects of the relationshit (typo, and it stays) had to do with BPD. I remember how when he’d announce he was leaving I would pick a fight or do something dramatic just so he’d stay more time. For example, I would start philosophizing about how much I wanted to be with him and then would proceed to crying. Of course, I didn’t do this consciously, but looking back, it’s definitely a BPD behavior that I had.

I was also thinking about lies, and how he probably lied to me on multiple occasions. I just wonder about what. I’m sure most of the lies had to do with his wife.

I know I shouldn’t get stuck on the past. Things ended a year and a half ago (already?). I know I shouldn’t get stuck on what-ifs, but I always wonder what my life would have been like if I had not been with him. Would I have either way ended up where I am now? Would I have been any different?

I constantly feel like my life was taken away from me and it was my own fault. I feel like a life interrupted. A girl interrupted. And, somehow, I’ve built a new life out of the ashes and driftwood during this year and a half; but even having what I have now, I still yearn for those 5 years lost. I still yearn for that girl and wonder who she would have been, who she would have become, and what experiences she would have had if she wasn’t so caught up treading after an older married man.

I don’t know how to accept this concept, this new life, how to live it. I feel stuck, in a limbo, and that’s what’s making me feel so empty in spite of all the good things around me.

My life begins at the point where I’ll learn to accept my past and forgive myself.

But I don’t know how to do that.

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