What happened on Day #17

I’m very tired. But the show must go on. I wasn’t really planning on posting but I guess I just feel like writing all of a sudden.

Day #17 of studying for Step 1 was…interesting, to say the least. It began like any other day, waking up early to study and completely failing at it. Had breakfast with my sister, who would then leave for work…

…And then I was left alone, with only my dog. Alone in the house, with silence.

Slowly, or suddenly, I became triggered. I felt like crying the whole day. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t hold myself up and study, couldn’t bottle up the feelings and just keep going. I just couldn’t. Something inside of me switched on and I was rendered incapable of doing anything.

It was the loneliness, the silence in the house. I felt abandoned. For the first time in a while I actually felt abandoned and left alone to my own misery. It was terrible. I felt terrible.

And as time passed by I became more and more triggered. I was triggered to self-harm, of course. It had been a while since I felt that triggered, since I felt a longing for pain. It took a lot of strength not to reach out for the blade.

It didn’t happen. I didn’t do it. I’ve been self-harm free since April 17th and for the time being I’m not planning on changing that.

But the loneliness was destroying me. My family was gone, my parents were gone, M was gone. Nobody. Just me and my dog. And on top of that, I was failing miserably at what I was trying to study.

I ended up texting my sister MM, just to see if she would answer. And she did. I told her how I felt. She said I should distract myself someway.

And I painted. For the first time in a while I took a canvas I had lying around and just painted. Then I walked my dog. And I felt so much better. 

But for a moment there, for a whole day, I thought I was back in the abyss.

I don’t want that to happen again.

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2 comments
  1. I know that feeling, just comes seemingly out of nowhere. I don't self-harm, but we all have ways we cope, some constructively, some not. There are many ways to harm yourself without cutting. You can do impulsive things that sabotage your life – your relationships, job, etc.

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  2. Thank you so much for reading, and yes, there's all kinds of impulsive things we do to self-sabotage. I just hope I can gain the strength to not keep doing it over and over again.

    Like

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