I am so tired. Physically tired.
Spent the day doing what constitutes every damn day of my life now until July 8th: studying. Wait, I’ve been doing that nonstop for years now….scratch that.
As I’ve said before I’ve been doing OK. This is a huge accomplishment considering how something is always going wrong with me. And, I forgot to say, M is on a two week vacation, so I’m all alone. No parents. No M. Just my sister Y, who works until late, and my dog. So, I’m all alone. Again, being fine is a huge accomplishment. I was worried I would fall again into darkness during these two weeks, considering I pretty much have no one. But other than isolating myself a bit and not wanting to go out, I have held on pretty much OK.
As for my weight…I hadn’t weighed myself until today. I’ve just been letting my body do its thing and eating normal meals. That little voice inside my head calling me names and saying I can’t weigh more than X pounds is still there, but a little less strong. However, I find that I’m getting very triggered by my sister, who is currently losing weight. She’s constantly asking me what I have eaten and what I will eat. It’s triggering. It’s driving me nuts. But again, I’m trying to just let my body do its thing and ignore the thoughts about restricting my food and such.
You know what? For the first time I’m at a loss for words. I’m sorry for this boring old post, but my days have become pure routine. I wake up at 7am, start studying, fall asleep halfway through, really wake up around midday, keep studying, and go to sleep around 1am.
And you know what? All of that makes me very afraid. I fear falling again, mainly because routine makes me cringe. I’m stable right now, not at rock bottom, I’ve climbed my way halfway up I think, but I’m not yet 100% OK.
But I’m stronger this time around. Depression can go to hell.
PS: I already have a draft for my next post, it’ll be interesting, I promise.