The only person in my family who doesn’t know about my episode of major depression is my other sister, Y.
Y is older than me, also older than my sister MM. She has a very strong character, very difficult to manage. I’m not saying she’s a difficult person, but she just makes sure her presence is felt. She’s very fun to be around with, but when things go bad, they go really bad. It gets so bad that when Y is in a bad mood, everybody else in the house is walking on eggshells. In that, she is a lot like my mother.
Hence, my difficulty with splitting when it comes to Y. I split her in black and white like a madman, constantly. One second she’s being easygoing and fun, the next I’m demonizing her because of some small detail. I don’t think my splitting is as severe with anybody else as it is with Y. Maybe with my mother, but that’s about it.
The reason I haven’t told Y about my depression is simply because I don’t know how she’ll react. She’s the kind of person who doesn’t understand phobias, for example. She always criticizes people with an irrational fear. Hence, I don’t know how she’ll react to me telling her I was depressed. Plus, she’s a very argumentative person. I question whether me telling her would end up in an argument. I don’t think so, but I don’t want to risk it. With Y, you always lose.
However, I can’t help but feel bad about it. If I’ve told the rest of my family, why can’t I muster up the courage and tell Y? She cares about me, she doesn’t deserve to be singled out like that. But, I don’t think I’ll ever tell her. The awkwardness associated with telling her is just too much to handle. Plus, I don’t know if she’ll ever understand.
I feel guilty. I feel bad.
PS: Lately I feel strange, honestly. Everything seems to be going OK…which is strange, considering there is always something negative going on in my life. The only issue floating around is my problem with weight, which I’ll write about in my next post, I guess. I have to study!