Life…without M?

Since things have been going good on the depression front, I found myself repetitively asking the following question in my head: Would I be able to live without M?

I see her as a friend, a confidante, a sister…and losing that seems so tough and terrible. However, I have to realize that she is none of those things; she is my doctor and that’s it. But it’s difficult, imagining a life without her. I’ve come to see her as my savior, almost.

But, would I be able to live without her? Hopefully, yes, because I know it’s a relationship that will only last until I get 100% better. It hurts to think about that. It’s like choosing between two extremes: stay the same and have M as my doctor for who knows how long, vs. getting better and not seeing her ever again. It’s difficult, but obviously I know the right path is the latter.

Right now, I don’t think I’m ready yet to live without her being my safety net. However, when will I ever be ready to confront life without M?

I feel like I’m slowly losing a sister, and it makes me want to cry.

As for Step 1…

Frustrated. There’s no other word for how I’m feeling right now. I’ve been all day studying the Neurology component of Step 1 and all I know can be summarized in the following word: nothing. Yep, nothing. Nada. Zip. Got 20 out of 46 practice questions correct and a few were wild guesses. Speaks for itself.

Damn, I was doing so good, and now this is affecting me so much. I guess there’s no way to go but to keep going.

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