Doing just fine

Good news. Finally. I had an appointment with M yesterday. We talked about so many important things. It was a very philosophical therapy session.

First off, I told her that in order to be happy, I would have to accept life and all its imperfections. She agreed. She told me that being such a perfectionist is weighing me down (which is true). Of course, it’s all easier said than done, but at least recognizing I have a problem is a good step forward.

M also pointed out that there is this crazy dichotomy between what I admire in others and what I expect of myself. Let me explain…so I admire people who are able to accept their mistakes or problems and move on with life; however, I expect much more from myself and want to be perfect, without mistakes or problems. I expect myself to be perfect, but I admire how people like my sister just get on with things being imperfect.

It’s crazy how all of this affects me. How much being a perfectionist affects me emotionally. But I’m scared of letting go of my perfectionism. I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember, and my irrational brain thinks that if I’m not a perfectionist then I won’t be able to reach my goals in life. But, if I keep being a perfectionist then I will never reach my goals because there will always be a “next best thing” to reach. I fear I’ve been years caught up in this storm of perfectionism and I don’t know how to get out.

But I have to get out. It’s absolutely necessary. My health and peace of mind call for it.

Now, on to the good news. M thinks I’ve been doing good lately and the acute symptoms of pain and desperation due to depression have been managed appropriately….so she told me that she will be decreasing my dose of Abilify from 10mg to 5mg. I hope this is a sign of good things to come, and not a relapse.

As for medical school and studying for Step 1, I’ve been OK. Really. I’ve been studying and doing my thing. Nothing new there. 

I hope this is all a sign of good things to come, I really do.


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