Day #1 of studying for Step 1

I finished second year of medical school yesterday. Can’t believe it’s over. Finally. I think I mostly hated second year. Put depression on top of that and it was quite a little adventure. 

Then, today, I started studying for Step 1. Didn’t really have a break there, but I have to make the most of my time. Either way, I ended up wasting my time by sleeping most of the day. I guess I was just really tired from the bullshit-filled second year. I just hope third year isn’t worse.

In my previous post I wrote about self-harm, how the urges to cut have been waning slowly, and how I’ve been self-harm free since April 17th. I know it’s not much, and it’s too early to celebrate, but it’s something.

However, I was thinking today that even though I’m no longer self-harming in a physical way, I still self-harm in an emotional way. I’m sure a lot of us with BPD have trouble with this. It’s the whole self-destructive nature that surrounds us, the whole self-defeating thoughts and insults.

In my case, lately I’ve been constantly thinking about food. I have this little voice inside my head constantly calling me fat and insulting me. As I’ve said before, it comes from a deeply ingrained fear of losing what makes me unique (that is, being thin, to my irrational brain). Today I realized that this is just another way of self-harming. It might not be obvious in the outside, but it affects me just the same as cutting. I’m constantly weighing myself, thinking about what and how much I eat, looking at myself in the mirror and body-checking. It’s self-harm much in the same way that cutting is.

The problem is I don’t know how to react to this. I feel so glad that I’m no longer cutting, but on the flip side, I still have this little voice inside my head saying self-defeating things. I guess I haven’t progressed as much as I thought?

You know, on one of the most recent sessions with M she asked me to score my self-esteem on a scale of 1 to 10. I said 0.5. That’s how low my self-esteem is. That’s how much emotional self-harm I inflict upon myself after so many years of having it inflicted by other people. I honestly don’t want to live like this. I want to change, be positive, have a positive image.

But it’s so damn difficult.

PS: I have this Garbage song stuck in my head. I’ll try to keep up the frequent posting now that I’m intensely studying for Step 1.

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