I just realized I haven’t self-harmed since April 17th…
That’s good. It’s a good thing. It’s a great thing. No, seriously…I’m relieved I haven’t self-harmed.
I mentioned to M on our last appointment that the only reason keeping me from self-harming is that I didn’t want to let her down. However, I couldn’t help but wonder whether that was a valid reason. They always say recovery should be about you and you only, you shouldn’t do it for other people. I feel like when I want to self-harm the only reason keeping me from doing it is her, and if she wasn’t there for me then I would just go ahead and cut.
M told me that no matter what was the reason for not cutting, the important thing is that I’ve chosen not to do it. She said that it’s not like she’s forcing me to not self-harm, rather it is my choice. In the end the person who decides not to self-harm is me. I have a choice, and I’ve chosen not to cut. That’s what matters.
I’m glad she understands. She always understands.
Anyway, it’s been a little while since I’ve self-harmed, and honestly it’s lost it’s appeal. I’m glad about that. I don’t need to self-harm, it contributes nothing to my life. So, hopefully, that’s a sign that when I “graduate” from therapy I can actually do this on my own.
Let’s see if I can keep it up, if I can maintain a strong rational brain when the next crisis pops up.