Today my parents left for their month-long vacation.
I already feel very lonely…but I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful I can overcome the darkness whenever it decides to visit me. I can do this. I can beat this.
I had my appointment with M yesterday. We discussed what it would take for me to be happy. She literally asked me: “What has to happen for you to be happy?” At first I didn’t know what to answer. Then I told her that for me to be happy I would have to be perfect. To which she said that she wasn’t at all surprised to hear an answer like that coming from me (I’m a perfectionist). I told her I would have to be perfect, pretty, and I would be happy if I would be able to change my past and mistakes. Then, I told her that it would be impossible for me to be happy under those terms because the past cannot be changed.
She told me to think about that question, about what it would take for me to be happy, for next week’s appointment. She thinks that’s a very important point we have to discuss because it’s at the core of all my problems.
I think I already have the “right” answer to her question.
For me to be happy I would have to learn to forgive myself. Forgive myself for the mistakes that I have made, for being in a relationship with a married man, first and foremost. I would also have to forgive the girl I was, for not being able to defend herself against the bullying, the taunts. Then, I would have to forgive those who have wronged me.
To be happy I would have to learn that there are other, less superficial things, that matter more in life. For example, to be happy I can’t worry so much about how I look, and just accept myself the way that I am.
So, the answer to M’s question is not to be perfect, but to be imperfect and learn to live with it.
But how am I even remotely going to get to that point? How can I do it? How can I forgive myself? I’ve grown and matured and now I see things in a different way, but I still feel like that unhappy little girl. How can I overcome that?
I already want it to be next week’s appointment so I can tell M all about this.