Bad day today unfortunately.

After my last post I felt a bit better for two days, then today it all comes crashing down again. I went to a Cardiology review one of our professors agreed to give us. If you’ve read my About page you’ll know that I hate Cardiology. The reason is simply that I suck at it. I’ve studied Cardiology about twice already and I still don’t understand half of it. Let’s just say I don’t even know how I passed that test.

Well, the point is, I went to the review and it was a disaster…for me. I didn’t understand anything, the professor kept talking faster and faster, and everybody around me seemed to understand everything. So, I felt overwhelmed and panicked. I stopped listening and just let my cellphone record the review so I could listen to it later. I was having suicidal thoughts, and my eyes were watering.

I feel so stupid, damn it. I feel like I have no brain, like I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far in medical school. And I’m scared, because Step 1 is breathing down my neck and I don’t know what to do about Cardiology….or everything else for that matter.

So, I went to my mother for support after I got home. I told her: “I’m stupid.” She answered, without looking at me: “What can be done about that?” Seriously? What kind of a goddamn answer is that? I don’t even know why I thought my mom could help me in any way.

Then I was ridiculously triggered to cut. I wanted to tear open my flesh. But I didn’t want to let M down again by cutting, so I didn’t do it. It took a lot of strength to stop myself, and I don’t think the coast is yet clear, but at least for now I didn’t do it.

What scared me the most was something I kept thinking before I fell asleep for awhile. I kept thinking: “That’s OK, while my mom and dad will be vacationing it will be easier to cut, or even end it all…” I don’t know where that came from. But I scared myself a bit.

I just hope things get better. I’m still hopeful I can overcome this, somehow. But I’m scared.


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