“My brain, says I’m receiving pain, a lack of oxygen.”
—My Iron Lung, Radiohead
Unfortunately, I think I’m falling again. Falling into the darkness. How do I know this? How do I know I’m depressed? Well, after awhile there comes a point where you’re so in tune with yourself that you just know. In my case, these are the signs:
- I’m starting to listen to Radiohead nonstop. Whenever this happens I can tell I’m in my darkest. Even more so because I’m listening to their most gut-wrenching-depressing songs.
- I start having very vivid dreams that I can remember
- I sleep more
- I can feel the heaviness inside of me. It’s a strange feeling in my gut. I can also feel it in my arms. They’re just…heavy.
- I start isolating, wanting to see less of my friends and family
- The urges to self-harm are more difficult to control
- Food becomes an unnecessary luxury. It’s as though my mouth couldn’t tolerate it.
- Obviously, I start having suicidal thoughts
- I feel like crying most of the time
- I can’t focus on my studies
- I wake up in the mornings hating my life and wishing I were still sleeping
That’s just a small list I can make up out of the top of my head. I’m hoping that what I’m having is just a bad few days, and not that I’m falling. But, somehow, something tells me this is the real thing. I hope not, I really hope not. I can’t afford falling now, not at this moment, not right before I’m supposed to start studying for Step 1 (see Dictionary). This can’t be happening.
To top it all off, it turns out I will mostly be alone during the first month I’ll be studying for Step 1. My parents will be on vacation, my sister works until late…so that just leaves me and my dog. Alone.
I fear falling again. I fear it so much. I don’t know what to do. I need help. I know it’s ridiculous asking for help over the internet, but I really need something, anything.
I want to cry.