Urges

I feel…weird. I’ve been feeling like this for a while now. I feel like nothing is wrong but at the same time everything is wrong.

I feel like things in general are, for the first time in quite a while, going OK. However, there’s this visceral feeling, this something eating away at me… I feel self-destructive. I have to destroy some aspect of myself for things to be alright. I have to destroy something to feel like I’m back to “normal”, or whatever that means.

I want to self-harm, either by cutting or restricting my food, simply because I feel uncomfortable with things being alright. I feel so damn empty, FUCK. The only thing I know how to feel is pain. What kind of a miserable life do I have that I can’t recognize happiness when it’s staring right down at me? What kind of a miserable life do I have that I can’t let things be, just, OK?

Honestly, I have no idea how to manage this. It’s an itch I can’t get rid of. I can’t sit still because of it. Usually, writing helps, and that’s what M tells me to do. However, it’s not helping right now. But I can’t, I can’t self-harm again. I don’t want to let M down again. But I do, I do want to self-harm, so badly, I want to see scars.

I feel like I’m being pushed and pulled between all that is evil and all that is good.

Resistance is futile.

 ***

The Psychiatry course ended today. I’m quite sad knowing I won’t be learning anything more Psychiatry related for a while now.

It feels weird, taking classes and knowing you have the condition the professor is talking about. We took a class on personality disorders and I couldn’t help buy squirm in my chair when the professor spoke about Borderline Personality Disorder. She used Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction as an example of BPD. I still don’t understand why they like to use that example, but whatever.

I also find it a bit funny that for medical students, anything that insinuates self-harm means the person has BPD. I know it’s a way of over-simplifying, but I still find it rather amusing, seeing as not everyone who self-harms has BPD. It makes me wonder just how many conditions I’ve studied in med school that don’t present in real life like they do in the books.

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