Disgusting and heavy

Haven’t posted much this past week because I’ve been very busy studying. I am in what you could call two weeks of final exams, so it’s been nasty busy.

In general I’ve been OK. Yet I feel like something is still wrong. I feel very anxious, very triggered, lost in my own thoughts…and I don’t know why.

***Trigger warning***

Right now in my head all I can find are thoughts about being fat. That’s how I feel right now. I feel ugly, disgusting, heavy, fat. I went out to dinner with my family today and I just ate too much. Way too much. I’m also bloated because I got my period today (yay). The point is, that I feel heavy and disgusting. I feel like I have to do something about this, about this nastiness inside of me.

I just don’t understand how is it possible that I’ve gained around 12 pounds in a year. I haven’t gained weight since I’ve been about 15 years old, and then suddenly in a year I gain 12 pounds? I keep thinking it could be the Abilify, and every day it’s harder to swallow it down. I have to remind myself it’s for my own good. However, this little voice inside my head just keeps screaming at me to do something, to eat less, to take the pounds off. I feel anxious, and worried. I’m worried of losing what makes me unique.

The last time I told M about this she told me I have to understand that there are other, less superficial things that make me unique. Rationally, I know this is true, but I just can’t convince my irrational brain of it. I don’t know if she understands just how much of my thoughts are consumed by this issue. It’s even harder to overcome the thoughts when, for the first time in your life, you find out a pair of jeans don’t fit anymore because you’re just too…big.

I’m wringing my toes as I write this. I do that when I’m triggered and anxious. I need to do something. I don’t know what, but I just know that I need to do something about myself. I feel like I’m about to go crazy.

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