This week has been the lowest of low and it’s gotten better only today.
I failed two tests in a row. After so much work I failed. I guess I just didn’t study the right way.
Then, to top it all off, I had therapy with M on Tuesday and honestly it was a waste of time. The appointment only lasted half hour because she was late to her office. I talked to her about my weight, and how recently I’ve been obsessed with it. I mentioned how my low weight is what distinguishes me from other people, and how my irrational brain is trying to hold onto that low weight for dear life out of fear of losing who I am. She told me I can’t let my weight determine who I am and be the only thing that makes me unique and special, because there are other more important and less superficial things.
I also mentioned to her how I feel like a chameleon around certain people, including her. I told her that I sometimes feel like I’m turning into those people. She told me that no, I’m not turning into other people, but instead I’m doing things they approve of to gain their affect and validation. And she’s right. I’ve always read how people with BPD do this, but it wasn’t until recently that I realized I do it too (go figure). I tried telling her how this happens with her all the time, how I might do things that she’ll approve of just so she’ll like me, but the conversation just got too awkward to bear and I left it at that. I didn’t want to sound like a creep or take it too far.
As for med school, other than the two failed tests I’ve been doing fine because right now we are on our Psychopathology block (aka: Psychiatry). It’s incredible how my mood changes when I’m enjoying things. I’m no longer falling asleep in lectures or having suicidal thoughts in the amphitheater. Yay! I truly am passionate about mental health.
I guess I just had a bad patch there, but it’s getting better….I think.