***Warning: Triggering post***
I just cut. Not once, not twice, but several times. I broke my promise. I broke the promise I made to my sister and to M. I’m still bleeding. I can feel the pain. Finally, I can feel the pain. I can also see the pain. I’m crying. It’s all a pile of bullshit. I’m a worthless piece of shit. A usable, disposable, piece of shit that everyone just crushes, like an empty can on the sidewalk. I want to keep cutting. I want to keep doing it. I want to keep bleeding.
I failed the test I had today. I’m such a failure. Pure failure. Everybody was right, all of them were right when they laughed at me. And I want to be a doctor? Ha!
I also had my appointment with M today after 3 weeks. It was pointless, absolutely pointless. A half hour of bullshit. She was late. Or I was early. She excused herself. But I hurt either way. I could barely tell her anything when it was already time to leave. She made me feel so unimportant, so worthless, so pointless. If she made me feel this way, then it must mean I truly am a piece of shit. It must mean I truly am a piece of nothing. NOTHING, that’s what I am.
And I tried to induce myself to vomit. Didn’t work out. I couldn’t get the dirty out of me, off of me, away from me. It was useless. Can’t even vomit right.
So much pain. So much pain.