Self-destructive

I’ve self-harmed two days in a row now. I feel like such a failure. I broke the commitment I made with M to not self-harm. At least I lasted a little over a month, now I know I can do it. I guess I just felt very alone and abandoned. I miss her a lot and I need therapy. I can’t do this on my own; not now, not yet.  

I’m also having trouble with food. I get this feeling of wanting to get it all out of my system right after eating. It’s as though I couldn’t stand being full. I can feel a sort of numbness in my throat whenever I finish and I feel as though the food is just going to come out on it’s own. However, I do know it’s purely psychological. It all has to do with my fear of gaining weight (see this post). But it’s all very uncomfortable. On the one hand I’m desperate to tell M about this, on the other hand I don’t want to tell her out of fear she’ll think I’m eating disordered.

Why am I so self-destructive? These problems with cutting, and food…it all has to do with self-destruction. Why is it that us borderlines are so self-destructive? Is it because we know no other life than living in pain, so we inflict it upon ourselves? That’s honestly what I think is my case. I inflict the pain upon myself when external factors aren’t there to inflict it upon me. It’s a way of living the life I’ve always known.

I guess I’ve just been going a bit downward lately. I just hope I don’t end up down in the dumps again.

As for med school, it’s been a week and a half since I’ve gone to lecture, but I think I’ll be going tomorrow. I should. The year is almost over and I feel kind of bad that I’ve been skipping lectures. Plus, we just started our neurology block, which is an area I always find interesting, so I should go.

I just can’t believe I’m already finishing my second year of med school. Time goes by so fast. Yesterday I was even looking up information on residencies, and where I would like to do mine.

It’s also been about a year since I was diagnosed with MDD and BPD…and I’ve survived.

It keeps me going, knowing that I’ve survived up until now…

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