I feel like I was very unfair to my mom in my previous post. Or, maybe not? I wrote precisely what happened, word for word, so I guess I shouldn’t feel bad. Yet, I feel this remorse for having written about her on such negative terms.
You see, with my mom it’s always a push-pull dynamic. Either things are all good and we’re doing fine and bonding, or things are all bad and we’ve just argued. I sometimes wonder whether it’s the BPD that just makes me perceive things in an all black or all white manner. But, honestly, I don’t think there’s a middle ground when it comes to my mother and our relationship. Either I’m completely attached and loving her, or I’m detached and disliking her.
She truly made me feel very worthless when she called me immature and stupid, that I’m not making up. However, the next day it was as if nothing happened, and things have been like that since then. We even went to the movies together today. Like I said, it’s as if nothing ever happened. Things are fine and dandy now.
However, it bothers me how quickly things change with her. Once, in my therapy sessions with M, I compared her to a dog you approach one day and let’s you pet it, but the next day it bites you (comparing my mother to a dog….what is wrong with me?). She truly is like that, she has rapidly cycling moods. It’s very disconcerting.
Sometimes I think that may be a reason why I developed BPD. Having my mom as a model when I was a child, maybe I learned that rapidly cycling intense moods are the norm. Maybe black and white is all I know because my mother was, and is, that way.
Changing the subject, my mood has been fine yesterday and today. Yet, I feel this terrible desperation in the pit of my stomach, this lingering feeling of wanting to wring my hands and pull my hair…It’s all because of not having therapy with M. It’s affecting me too much already and I miss her. She’s my safety net, and right now I can’t survive without my safety net. There’s a lot of uncomfortable thoughts in my head dealing with abuse, my Ex, and food, that I would like to discuss with her. I just hope things go back to normal next week.
As for med school…I haven’t gone to class in a week. Yikes. I just feel so bored with everything, burnt out, and tired. My brain just can’t take in any more information. I’m also afraid of getting desperate or worse, suicidal, when I go into the amphitheater at school. I think it highly unlikely considering I’m not down in the dumps, but I don’t want to take my chances.
Anybody out there?