I feel so slow today. Woke up, didn’t go to lecture (nothing new there), then my afternoon classes were cancelled. So, I’m at home, alone, and supposed to be studying. Instead, I’m blogging. Go figure.
I’ve also been isolating a lot lately. That’s a bad sign. Today there’s an activity organized by the mental health students’ association from my school, and although I know I should go, that little voice in my head is telling me to not go, to isolate. In addition I haven’t been going to lecture, haven’t seen my friends in a week. I guess I’m just very burnt out already. Classes are ending in a month and I’ve turned quite apathetic. However, I better get myself up and ready, because after classes end I have to study intensively for USMLE Step 1.
One of the things that has really affected me recently is a single event with my mom two days ago. I told her we should go to the movies together, to which she replied I should just go on my own. I told her I don’t like going to the movies alone. She then said, with a tone, that she likes to go alone, and I should learn to go alone and stop being so dependent on her to go out. Then she said something along the lines of: “I like to have mature daughters, not immature and stupid. Grow up already.”
My stomach churned. I told her to leave the room, and she did. I felt so numb, and I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. All I could think of were the words: Ugly. Immature. Stupid. Fat. Ugly. Again and again in my head. So I lay in bed and a few tears rolled down on the pillow.
I was hurting. I felt invalidated and small, like a child. I was triggered to self-harm. I didn’t do it just because of the commitment I made with M to not self-harm. I felt like my mom was surreptitiously comparing me to my older sister Y, who for years I’ve felt is her favorite daughter. In my head all I could think was: She’s comparing you to Y. Y is mature, independent, and strong. You’re just a weak piece of shit.
I don’t remember when was the last time my mom made me feel so worthless. The incredible thing is that she has absolutely no idea just how hurt she made me feel. And neither will she apologize for her words. My mom, apologize? Never. She doesn’t apologize or accept apologies.
Looking back, I should’ve said something. I should’ve told her that she made me feel hurt. I also shouldn’t have been so rough on myself. Even worse than the things anyone could tell me are the things I tell myself, so I have to learn to be nice to myself, even if certain incidents trigger me. However, easier said than done.
I miss M so much. M makes me feel validated. I feel so lost without her and therapy. I feel like she’s abandoned me, even if I know that’s not true. Maybe, someday, my mom will learn to make me feel validated. I’m still hopeful.
Am I worthless?