April Fool’s

The joke’s on me.

In my previous post I said that I was feeling OK. I guess I got way ahead of myself, because yesterday and today have been two difficult days. Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed inside my dark room. Today I didn’t go to lecture and just feel like staying in bed too.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my Ex. I keep thinking about the possibility of sexual abuse, about the way I felt in the relationship. However, it’s been really difficult exploring these feelings on my own, since M is on vacation. Every time I try to think about the relationship I feel uncomfortable with myself and can’t think. Even now I can feel the writer’s block coming over me.

So, I haven’t said this before but I feel it is necessary for others to understand my story….as it turns out, my Ex was one of my high school teachers. He was the young teacher all the girls swooned over, while I was just the awkward, depressed schoolgirl. Because of this, I can’t help but feel that this person abused his power over me. He was supposed to be the adult in the relationship.

However, I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming him for everything. To this day I still feel 100% guilty for everything that happened. I feel like I was the one who persisted and wanted the relationship to happen. I feel like it was all my fault.

Still, M has told me before that the reason I entered this relationship was simply to fulfill certain needs: to feel validated and important. And she’s right. But, I can’t help but feel dirty, used, and guilty. I can’t help but think about all the times I did things just so he wouldn’t get mad at me and I wouldn’t get abandoned. I felt uncomfortable, yet I allowed him to have his way with me for the sake of avoiding abandonment.

But in spite of all this, which I know rationally, I still question whether it was abuse or not. Was it abuse simply because he was my teacher? Or was it abuse because I felt uncomfortable? I think that last question is something I have to explore with M.

OK, that’s enough for today. I’m already blocked. I can’t think anymore about this. I feel too weak.


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