OK day today. No BPD in the way, no depression in the way, just a normal day. I haven’t been studying because I’m on spring break. I think that’s mainly the reason I’ve been OK.
I thought I would post a little about why I developed BPD in the first place. I figured I should post about this, since I still haven’t.
Obviously, there’s a thousand reasons for which I developed BPD, but I’ll highlight the most important ones. First off, I truly believe in the biopsychosocial model….meaning, I believe there’s a genetic predisposition, a psychological reason, and environmental reasons that contribute to the development of mental illness. So, naturally, I believe there is something intrinsic to my biology which predisposed me to this condition.
As for the environment I grew up in…I grew up in a perfectly normal household. There was no abuse in my family, nor was there neglect. I never suffered through poverty, I never lived in need. My parents provided me everything: an education, a home, art classes, dance classes, anything I needed or wanted, and love…
However, I grew up in a family of four children. I am the youngest. My oldest brother was the charismatic one, my sister Y was the outgoing one, my other sister MM was the emotional one, and I was just…the straight A student. I always felt like my mother had a certain favoritism for Y. And I always felt like I was put on the spot unnecessarily and made fun of by my family for my discipline and grades.
In addition to that, my mother had certain periods of depression in her life. These periods of depression resulted in me feeling abandoned and neglected by her. Also, it resulted in me feeling invalidated. The most recent episode of depression that she had was last year, when she took the role of caretaker for my ailing grandmother (she had Alzheimer’s). There was no possible way of even talking with my mother during these episodes. I remember as a young girl sitting in my house’s family room crying because I was upset about something and my mother just sat next to me watching TV, without comforting me. The message I got from all of this was: “Shut up, suck it up, TV is more important than you, you worthless piece of crap.”
Also, there was the bullying. The overall invalidating environment I had to live at school was grueling. There was no Me. I was just the straight A student everyone bullied, even the teachers and parents. I looked for support when I was living these moments of my life, but everywhere I looked there was only invalidation.
So, although I had a comfortable life in the sense of no abuse or poverty or such, I was always invalidated. No matter where I looked there was invalidation of who I was and who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a good student? Invalidated. I wanted to be a doctor? Invalidated. I wanted to be a Psychiatrist? Invalidated. I wanted to just be me when around my family? Invalidated. I wanted to receive my mother’s love and attention when I most needed it? Invalidated. All I was, was nothing.
Then, in my teens, came my Ex with abusive tendencies, whom I have spoken at length about here. He also invalidated me. Invalidated who I was, wanted to change me. And I just played the game, thinking it was love.
Because of all these things, I have no sense of who I am, or who I want to be. I am extremely sensitive to rejection and anything I might sense as abandonment. I self-harm because I am so used to pain in my life, that I like to inflict it upon myself to feel, to remove the numbness. So on and so forth…
However, I know one thing, and that is….I am not just a borderline personality.