Exposed

I’m so tired. Physically tired, not emotionally tired. I have a lot on my mind today, for some reason. I can’t shut my brain. It’s as if I had these constant buzzing thoughts in my head. It’s very unsettling. I can’t stop thinking, can’t stop the noise. And I can’t sit still.

First off, I just spoke with my sister, MM, and I almost told her about my Ex. She doesn’t know I was with someone for 5 years (nobody does, except M). I chickened out and ended up just telling her that I’m more complicated than I seem. I’ve been meaning to tell her about this for some time now, since last year actually. The reason is that I want to be completely honest with her like I am with M. I feel my sister has a right to know why I have mental illness. However, the shame and guilt associated with being someone’s “mistress” (I hate that word) is holding me back. I still feel shame like it was Day #1.

Also, as usual, I’ve been having trouble feeling exposed and vulnerable in public. I went with my mom to the mall the other day and I was a nervous wreck. I’m constantly thinking people are looking at me, talking about me, laughing at me. I’m constantly in fear of running into my Ex, his wife, or his daughter. I feel like I’m in a circus and all eyes are on me. I was able to survive the outing, but it was difficult nonetheless.

I had something very strange happen to me the other day. I was watching Edward Scissorhands and as I looked at Johnny Depp’s scarred face I felt triggered to self-harm. Scars have been triggering me a lot lately. I think it’s because mine are fading. But getting better means not self-harming, and I’ve lasted a bit over a month without doing it. I still think about it though, all the time.

Crap, I’m also very triggered with food. Today my parents and I ate from McDonald’s. I felt like a whale, I still do. It’s so difficult eating when you’re scared every bite will take away what makes you unique. To my irrational brain, being thin is all I’ve got. It’s what makes me, Me. I’ve definitely got to address this with M when she comes back. 

*Sigh* I miss M. I’m such a complicated mess. I feel like a little bird being taught to fly on its own before it’s time to do so. I feel very lost and lonely, sort of lost in my own world. Let’s see how I survive the next week without her. I’ve been doing good so far, so let’s just see.

Finally, I wish somebody on here would ask me something or comment. I feel like I’m blogging into a void.

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