Worried and lonely

Been feeling a lot of things these last few days.

First off, it turns out the doctor who oversaw my test gave me a decent grade. My borderline mind cannot cope with this. Does it mean he’s good, after all? Do I still have permission to see him as bad and evil? Cannot cope with the ambiguity there.

I’ve also been feeling very worried, very anxious. If I pass on over to third year of medical school I might have to do one of my clinical rotations at a hospital in another town. The problem with this is that it’s about 2 and a half hours away, so weekly therapy with M is not an option. It really worries me, I could barely study or do anything while thinking about it the other day. To top it all off, I don’t even know if I’ll have the time to fit therapy in my third year schedule. I want to cry whenever I think about it. I don’t want my career to get in the way of my health. I’m afraid of getting worse or having to abandon M.

Mom has told me to not think about that for now, to not worry about future events. She’s right, but I can’t help it. My health comes first.

I also feel like such a failure. Honestly, second year of med school has been a terrible slap in the face and a blow to what little self-esteem I had. My grades are unimpressive and I feel like an outsider. M once asked me what “failure” means to me. It means not living up to my own expectations, which are pretty high, by the way. I’m a perfectionist because I seek approval and validation from others. If I don’t live up to my expectations, then I am no one, I’m a failure.

I ran into M yesterday (she works at my school’s hospital). She smiled and asked me whether everything was OK with my meds. I told her yes, but I kept thinking there was something I wanted to tell her that I couldn’t remember. And, evidently, after she left I remembered what it was. I wanted to stop her and beg her to not abandon me for the next two weeks. I wanted to tell her that I don’t know how I’ll manage without her, my safety net. I also wanted to tell her all about feeling abused by my Ex. I wanted to tell her everything, spill my guts and just let it all out. But, alas, I simply ran into her outside the hospital, it wasn’t therapy.

Overall, I just feel very worried, and very lonely.

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