I had therapy with M yesterday. It was good, as usual.
We discussed my experience with the doctor who oversaw my test (see this post). I told her about how I felt like crap and how small he made me feel, how afterwards I had suicidal and self-harming thoughts. She said that being sensitive to criticism is not something that is specific only to me, it’s something that affects everyone at one time or another, so I shouldn’t feel bad about the way I felt. However, she said, after passing the initial shock of getting criticized, I have to learn to regain my senses and just do the best I can, instead of focusing on the criticism and holding a grudge. She said that, like many other things that affect me, the goal is that I eventually will not be so quick to react in a negative way. Let’s see if my borderline brain eventually becomes convinced of this. I have a lot to work on.
We also discussed how I was feeling angry because my family is either leaving or planning to leave town. We concluded that the reason it makes me so angry is because it’s entirely out of my control. I can’t do anything to keep my family here, so it makes me angry. You see, I want to be in control of the situation, but I can’t, and I know it. M just told me to do my best to keep in contact with those who are leaving, instead of pushing them away because I’m angry. She said now is the time to pull them back and do whatever is possible to keep in contact.
Finally I told her about something I’ve been feeling for a while now…You see, I’ve been feeling as though I was abused by my Ex, in spite of it being a “consensual” relationship. The problem with the relationship was that it began when I was 16 years old and he was 14 years older. M has told me that it was a relationship I got into simply because I needed to fulfill certain needs, like feeling special and beautiful to someone. And she’s right. The only reason I was with him was because I needed to feel special to at least someone. It was a low point in my life.
Now, this relationship left me feeling absolutely dirty, used, and disgusting. It made me feel sexually abused. Countless times I did things with my Ex simply because I was afraid he would get mad at me and abandon me. I did everything out of fear of abandonment, and I did many things I didn’t want to do. So, M told me that just because I didn’t say “no” doesn’t mean it was a consensual relationship. Just because I didn’t have the strength to say “no” to things I didn’t want to do, doesn’t mean it was OK to do them.
However, we couldn’t discuss anymore about that because time had run out, so she told me to hold onto the thought until our next therapy session. The problem is the next therapy session will be from here to 3 weeks, since she has these next weeks off.
Will I be able to manage on my own?