Changing colors

Slow day today. Went to lecture in the morning and wasted my time by doing so. All the doctors had 100-slide-long PowerPoints to present with only an hour allocated to each. I fell asleep during one of the lectures and didn’t pay attention during the others. I just spaced out.

Been feeling a bit better since Tuesday’s test. Or maybe I’ve just been ignoring the thoughts about it? I don’t know, but at least I haven’t thought about self-harming or had suicidal thoughts since Tuesday. I can’t let some inconsiderate asshole destroy me.

I was supposed to have therapy with M today. However, she cancelled because she was at a meeting and was not sure she could meet me on time. She changed therapy for next Monday. That was really considerate of her, giving me another appointment on such short notice. However, I still felt a teeny bit let down because I really wanted to talk with her today, about my experience with the doctor on Tuesday’s test and other things. But I can’t complain, like I said, she was considerate and moved therapy for next Monday.

Something that has really been worrying me lately is certain behaviors I have noticed in myself. They say people with BPD are chameleons due to our unstable sense of self. Well, I’ve been changing a bit lately, being very chameleon-like concerning M. For example, I straightened my hair last night, something I barely ever do. It was only today that I realized the reason I did this was because M has straight hair. I did this because I want M to like/accept me. I also painted my nails the other day, for the same reason (I never paint my nails). Before, it used to be that I wore lots of dresses and skirts simply because M wears a lot of dresses and skirts.

This has even extended to my beliefs. I was raised a Catholic. However, today I consider myself agnostic. Even as a child, I don’t remember being religious. M, on the other hand, is deeply religious. My unstable sense of self has lead me to revisit the aspect of faith in my life, simply because M is religious and I want her to like/accept me. I don’t want her to abandon me, so I emulate her behaviors just so she’ll think we have things in common.

This all is terribly embarrassing to admit. I really wish I didn’t do this, but I’m not lying when I say I do it unconsciously. It’s something I feel I can’t control. I used to do it with my Ex, now it’s with M. As innocent as it sounds, I feel it sabotages relationships. Special people in my life never know the real me because I’m always searching for their approval. I’ve tried to control myself when it comes to M, though, because I know that if I continue with these behaviors I will never get better and therapy will be futile. However, I still have my slip-ups.

Hopefully, someday I’ll know who I am and not feel the need to emulate others’ behaviors to feel liked and accepted.

When will that day come?

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