Sensitive

I had a test today. It consisted of taking a health history and physical exam of a patient.

It was a disaster. I knew my stuff, and was well prepared. However, the doctor who was assigned to oversee my test was a complete asshole. To make matters worse, I was a nervous wreck, and as soon as I walked into the patient’s room I forgot everything.

So, as I was beginning the interview with the patient, the doctor interrupts me and starts doing the interview for me. I was pissed! I felt so stupid because he didn’t let me do anything on my time and rhythm. He just assumed I didn’t know what I was doing, and proceeded to do it for me. Surely, he must have thought I didn’t know what I was doing (let’s see what the test score says).

Afterwards, I started doing the physical exam and as soon as I lay my hands on the patient he was already criticizing what I was doing. That was the last straw. My eyes watered and I got a runny nose. It probably looked like I was crying. You see, I panicked, I was nervous, I thought I was going to fail, and my brain went haywire. It was panic mode. However, it wasn’t the criticism what had me panicking, it was the way he criticized me. He made me feel like I didn’t know anything, and seeing as I’m so freakishly sensitive…well, let’s just say it was a bad combination.

It really angers me how sensitive I am, how having a borderline personality makes accepting criticism a thousand times more difficult. It makes me doubt whether I’m cut up for this career, seeing as medicine is pretty much based on learning to accept criticism from experienced doctors.

After finishing the test I went to my car and just sat there, crying. I felt miserable, I still do. I felt like self-harming. However, I was lucky enough that I got to speak with my sister, MM, after arrivingĀ  home, and talking with her soothed me a bit. It at least prevented my directing anger and frustration inwards and self-harming. I still feel triggered, but I’ve barely been a month without self-harming, and that’s keeping me motivated to not do it.

Honestly, I feel small and hurt. This doctor made me feel like I was some incompetent first year student who didn’t know what she was doing. I knew what I was doing, I just needed a break to let my nerves calm down. At the end of the exam he told me I passed and rushed right out. Maybe he gave me the minimum score? I don’t know.

But, really, the point I want to make with all this rambling about my disastrous day is that I’m sick of being so sensitive. The tiniest things have the potential to destroy me and I’m tired of that. I’m tired of feeling everything as though it were a stab in the chest and then having my eyes water in front of people. It’s embarrassing, and it only makes things worse. I’m pretty sure other borderlines will relate to this frustration.

I’m deeply frustrated and I feel unable to be a doctor.

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