I had therapy with M on Friday. We addressed my abandonment issues and I told her a lot of embarrassing things. I told her how embarrassed I felt and she told me that no matter how embarrassed I felt we had to address those things in therapy because otherwise we would only be addressing the superficial part of my problems. She was right. If I didn’t tell her all about my abandonment issues then it would defeat the purpose of therapy.
First off, I told her how I want to be important to her. It’s terribly embarrassing but I have to admit that I want to be special to M the same way that she is special to me. It all comes from years of not feeling special or important. It is because of this that I used to want to feel special to teachers at school. I was always a straight A student just so I would feel special to teachers, in a way feeling important to at least someone. Nowadays, I’m trying to do the same thing with M. I’m trying to be her special patient, just so I can feel important to someone.
I honestly wonder where all of this comes from, my wanting to be important to people. I think it has a lot to do with not feeling important to my mother during different periods in my life. You see, my mother has had certain periods of depression in her life, and I believe that during those periods I felt emotionally neglected by her. This is why I want to feel important to potential mother figures, like teachers…like M.
I also told M about my fear of feeling abandoned by her once therapy is over, and the consequent fear of getting better. She told me that once I get better I will not be fearing abandonment anymore, so the end of therapy will not hurt as much. She also told me to allow myself to get better, much in the same way that I allowed myself to enjoy my vacations at Country X with my sister. I forget to allow myself to do many things, I hold myself back.
It was good therapy. I thank M for that.
However, in spite of the good therapy, I’ve been feeling lost. I feel like something is missing, like I’m not part of the world. I feel like an empty shell. I feel like a robot. I wonder if this has to do with the feelings of emptiness that come with a borderline personality. I don’t know, but I don’t like it. I hate feeling like this, like a purposeless blob. Nothing excites me, nothing interests me. It’s like my body is present but my mind is nowhere to be found.
Where is me?