Tired and underprepared

Drowsy. I’m always drowsy. Could it be my meds? Could it be depression? I’m not sure, but I’m tired of being tired. I’ve spent pretty much all day today sleeping. I woke up late for class, fell asleep in class, slept 3 hours when I got back home, and now just slept another hour.

I’m also tired of BPD, and of how attached I’ve become to M. Like I said in my previous post, she was supposed to call me on Monday to reschedule this week’s appointment. However, she didn’t call. I called the office once and she didn’t return my call.

Then, yesterday, I called again. It wasn’t until late in the afternoon that she returned my call and told me we would be having therapy on Friday (tomorrow). Before she called I spent the whole day thinking, “she’s not going to call”, over and over again. It was constantly in my head and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I even got a bit cranky. But, as soon as she called, everything was OK. The change in my mood was instant and I felt like a weight had been taken off my shoulders.

The thing is, I hate it whenever this happens, whenever I get anxious over M not calling me. I hate how I react, how my BPD reacts…how I overreact. I’m constantly expecting to be let down and abandoned, yet M is still there, she’s always been there and constantly proves me wrong. When will I learn? When will my first reaction be “Oh, OK, she probably had something come up, everything will be OK,” instead of panicking? It’s all very embarrassing.

Of all the problems BPD can bring, I would say abandonment is the one I definitely struggle with the most. As a child I always felt alone, and whenever I had friends they would always end up moving away or leaving me for other friends. I also got used to being let down by my family in tiny but powerful ways. So, I became suspicious of everyone. I started expecting everyone to let me down or abandon me and I closed myself up in my little bubble just so I wouldn’t feel hurt.

With therapy I’ve gotten better with opening up the bubble. I’ve still got a long way to go but things have definitely gotten better in that sense. As for expecting everyone I care about to abandon me, it’s something I still struggle with a lot. However, I sometimes think I’m not working hard enough at it, or that maybe it’s part of my core and it’s something I’ll never be able to shake off.

Only the future can tell. In the meantime, how do you deal with abandonment?

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