Ambivalent

Today was the first time somebody ever asked me about my scars. I went to a clinical laboratory in the morning to get some tests done and as I got blood drawn, the medical technologist asked me if I had fallen on my arm. I said yes. However, I think it was kind of obvious, the nature of the scars….you don’t normally fall on the inner part of your wrist.

It felt weird. I don’t know if my friends have ever noticed, but they’ve never asked, neither has my family.

I’ve been feeling a bit down, stressed, and confused today. Actually, I don’t know what I feel. I keep asking myself whether recovery is something that I really want. M always tells me that because I never miss an appointment it must mean that I really want recovery deep down. But I’m not so sure about that. I’ve grown so attached to M that maybe I’m just afraid of letting her go or feeling abandoned by her. I just don’t want to get hurt, much less by someone I admire and care so much about. So, I panic whenever I think of the time when I am fully recovered and therapy is no longer needed.

To make matters worse, I feel a bit ambivalent towards M today. She was supposed to call me, but she didn’t. Under normal circumstances I would feel abandoned. However, I just feel ambivalent, with a small urge to self-harm. I think I may be blocking my emotions. Or, maybe I’m pushing M away. All I keep thinking is: “Whatever, she didn’t call, it must mean she doesn’t care about me like she does about her other patients. Nothing new there.” Since I’m used to feeling abandoned, it reinforces this image that I have of myself that I am worth nothing. But, I think I’m trying to not feel the pain that comes with that, just so I won’t feel hurt. The end result is, I’m pushing M away. However, whenever the next therapy session may be, I’ll me pulling her back again.

I’m tired of feeling hurt. In this ideal, utopia that I dream about nobody would make me feel hurt. But that’s impossible. Having a borderline personality makes me so sensitive that any little thing makes me feel hurt. I know I’m rationalizing…but inside I’m thinking: “Hell, I just wish M would call and not make me feel hurt!”. I feel like a little child wishing it’s mother wouldn’t hurt her. (Crap, I just compared M to my mother. Transference, much?)

There’s just something that’s not fitting the other pieces of the puzzle. There’s something within me that I’m ignoring, and it will eventually explode. Whatever it is, it’s keeping me from feeling any semblance of “normal”.

I feel everything and nothing at the same time. I’m terrified of M abandoning me. But, I don’t care anymore if she calls or not.

Great, now I’m triggered.

Whatever.

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