Helping myself

It was a good day today. 

I saw M for therapy. I had accumulated so many things to tell her about the past two weeks. It was a great session.

I told her about the psychiatry conference (see this post and this post) and how I felt absolutely motivated, stimulated, and happy afterwards for the first time in a year. It was the first time I truly felt excited and motivated for my career in quite a while. I also told her about the fit of jealousy that I got during the conference and how seeing that she cared about other patients made me feel abandoned. It was embarrassing, but I told her nonetheless.

Her reply was surprising, to say the least. She said that it was great that I had recognized my emotions at the moment and that I dealt with them in a very appropriate manner. She told me that being able to put aside the jealousy and recognizing just how much psychiatry interests me demonstrates that there’s this entire part of myself trying to shine right through the pain and suffering. It is my essence, the real me, the person I have been searching for all this time. She said that the pain is just a small part of myself, and that the goal of therapy would be to let the real me shine through all the time.

M also told me that she finds it admirable that I am willing to feel vulnerable and tell her so many personal things. It really shocked me, that she would find me admirable in any way…it almost made me blush.

She suggested lowering my dose of Abilify from 10mg to 7mg (Am I getting better??). But, she then asked me about self-harm and since I told her I still have issues controlling thoughts about doing it, she decided against changing my meds.

I have to confess it kind of made me freak out for a moment, seeing that she was considering lowering my dose. You see, to my BPD mind, getting a change in meds would mean I’m one step closer to being abandoned by M. But, as recovery is something that I definitely want, I calmed myself down and told myself that it’s OK, that as long as recovery is my goal everything will be OK. 

It was truly a great session. 

Today I also had an orientation about third year of medical school. We were given the order in which we would be doing our rotations. If I pass Step 1, my third year, which I will be starting in August, will look like this:

  1. Obstetrics and Gynecology – Ladies and babies
  2. Psychiatry! – My kind of people
  3. Internal Medicine – Very sick people
  4. Surgery – Bloody people
  5. Pediatrics – Little people 

I literally cannot wait to do my clerkship in psychiatry. But, first I have to pass Step 1, and do some soul-searching in the meantime. 

  1. Astrid said:

    Coming over to your blog from TWOM, and I had to laugh at your description of the various people you'll be meeitng in your third year of medical school.

    I want to let you know I'm very prud of you for admitting your feelings about the lowering of meds. I know you have issues with abandonent, and so do I. Admitting that this is the BPD speaking is one step closer to changin these thoughts.


  2. Thank you for dropping by, I really appreciate it! And yes, admitting to those types of thoughts is indeed part of recovery. I just wish it was easier to do, right? 😉


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