I’ve been feeling quite sad since yesterday. I learned a close friend from med school took a leave of absence. I cried a bit right before going to sleep last night thinking about my friend and how much I’ll miss her.
What exactly is it about med school that seems to make all your problems multiply by a thousand? Whenever I learn of someone who takes a leave of absence I think to myself: “That could’ve been me.” I’ve struggled so much emotionally during these first two years of medical school that I’m surprised it hasn’t been my case. Still, I’ve been this close to considering a leave of absence quite a few times already.
I had my test yesterday, saw my grades earlier today. I’m such a disappointment. I used to be such a good student and now I just feel like a failure. That’s the thing about medical school: it strips away your self-esteem and morale. However, at least I’m passing my classes (barely).
Tonight I went out to dinner with my dad. It was a bit awkward since my dad is a man of few words, but it was good bonding time, nonetheless. At one point he said: “So, tell me something about yourself.” I froze. I was in so much internal pain at the moment that I didn’t know what to say. You see, right from the moment we got on the car I felt very down and consumed by darkness. It was difficult, putting on a smile and pretending I was OK when I’m not. It’s pretty difficult dealing with the emotional highs and lows that come with BPD and depression.
I’m also still struggling with self-harm urges. I get very triggered whenever I see my scars. And, today, to top it all off, I’ve been very stressed. So, I’ve been especially triggered. The reason I’m so stressed is because we received an orientation today on the USMLE Step 1 (see Dictionary). I shudder whenever I think about that test. The only way I had of dealing with the stress was to, rather impulsively, buy a bunch of medical books.
So, that’s that for today. Don’t have much else to say except that I had a good week and now I’m back to square one feeling the darkness envelop me.