Death by PowerPoint

I have a test tomorrow. I think I feel sort of good about this one? Let’s see what happens.

I swear there was a short circuit in my brain from so much studying. And I’ve still got a lot more to go.

I’ve been feeling sort of OK, normal even. The only thing I’ve been having trouble with is self-harming thoughts and accepting the fact that I’m not feeling miserable. About the self-harm, I haven’t done it, simply because of the commitment M made me do of not self-harming for a month. It’s been difficult, but I think my brain can sense a correlation between not self-harming and feeling OK. Is it a sign of recovery?

Again, is it a sign of recovery? I can already feel myself panicking a bit. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get better. However, recovery means losing the therapeutic relationship with M and feeling abandoned, and losing who I’ve been for the past years. It’s a lot to lose, in exchange for….a better self-esteem? Moments of happiness? Comfort in my own skin?  No more depression or symptoms of BPD? Surprisingly, I don’t know what I want. It sounds so easy to choose the latter, but I don’t know what I want.

What if that means I’m not ready for recovery yet? When will I be ready, then?

What exactly do I want?


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